Hello again, Hello.

What does it take to be a man?

That is something us "men" have to ask ourselves from time to time. Many of us don't and often overlook our responsibilities and forget our purpose in life.

I love conference time, it always gives me a chance to reflect on the person who I should be. I really have a long way to go from where I know I should be. I currently have a picture of Christ that sits on my self where my personal computer is. I have it there as a reminder of things I should remember and the covenants I have made with him when I am using my computer. One thing I have noticed about the picture is that the continuance on the face of the savior seems to change depending on the way my life is going at the time. There are times when I look at his face and it looks as if he is disappointed in my actions, and other times like tonight that he looks like my advocate with the father and that together we can do anything. I want everyone to know that reads this blog and knows who I am to know that I have a love for our savior that is unique and has and a special bond I feel that will never end. I KNOW that he is real and that he died for our sins.

So the man's, Man... The man himself is Christ no doubt about it. But time and time again we are told to be like him and most of us don't always follow that council. In fact most of us men do not even try at all. I know I fall short quite a bit. But that's the thing we are given new chances time again to prove ourselves to become better. I want to rededicate myself once again to becoming more like Christ. And I have to start now.

I need to start by becoming a better husband and father, I have found that I am able to lose my patience so much faster that I normally would. Once I felt that I could handle kids, wife and a dog. I find myself loosing my temper with my dog more and more and getting extremely stressed around children. It kind of worries me that I no longer have the patience that I once had. I need to look to the ultimate example and overcome this shortcoming of mine.

So now move on to even more personal stuff... Where am I on the path of remarriage... My honest answer is I have no idea. I want nothing more than to be happy married, but I cannot produce a relationship that can have total happiness. I am so grateful to know friends that can understand that. I know I am very capable of being able to but just not at this time. So why date? I ask myself that a lot, I hope that by dating I am able to learn something I need to know for my future relationship if that happens. I have learned so much from the people I have met that there is no way I could of on my own. So I trudge along hoping that one day it will just click.

I say that I will write in this more often but I find that more and more I just forget or get too busy and it has been months since I have written. I try to make it inspiring to my readers so that they can leave knowing something that they did not know before or thought of something a new way. I hope that one day the right person will stumble upon my writings and it will change their life for the better. If it was not so late I would write more but it is 1:00AM and I need to get to bed. I love you all thanks for reading.

Happy Birthday Misty

Well I have been a wake for a while, I have been thinking about my final project. I woke up around 4 and had to go to the bathroom, and went back to bed and all I could think about is, what my final project would look like and how I was going to put it together. I finally got up at 4:50AM and decided that I should put these thoughts onto paper and seeing that it is a requirement to journal the things I do along the way of this final project anyway, I figure it is a good Idea since I actually had something to write down.

So that is what I just did, I wrote down my thoughts about it and then decided it felt good to write and I have not blogged in awhile so I better update this too. I also know that I have thirsty fans out there that want to know how I am doing. Well the truth is, I am doing good. But still having a hard time accepting what really happened. I have made my self so busy with dating, school, work and house projects that I often do not think about my life at all. It is like the only time I do think about it is just before bed, in the car or right after I get back from a date or off of the phone with a girl.

Speaking of girls, I have dated more than I ever thought I would in my life. When I was younger and still in high school I never dated people, toward the end of my senior year I started to date my ex-girlfriend and after 3 years of... well I have no idea what it really was... But I finally met Misty and fell completely head over heels in love. Right now I have dated 15 girls and a few that were not really dates but more or less going out as friends. I have also talked to over a fifty online and through party's and such. So it has been pretty crazy to say the least. Only until recently have I started to really start to feel like I could even love someone again. It seemed before that all I could do is think about how alone I was and wish that I had a girlfriend to ease the pain of being alone, but I really could not attach myself emotionally to anyone.

I tell you I have met some of the sweetest more interesting girls that are SO fun to be around and are simply beautiful. I am starting to feel bad because I know that I have told them a lot about me, and they may even really like me and I would have no idea if they did or do. Yet I could not love them back. Which I know really hurts. I have been hurt a lot by girls recently too. Most of which are really stupid things, like; Not responding to an email, viewing my Facebook page and then refusing to talk to me, and then still remain to be my friend or just seeming like they are very interested in me and then fall of the face of the earth.

Ether way I am learning a lot about relationships and how they work. I also feel like I am starting to find myself again. But I also know that my true self is in the service of someone I love. It is just who I am. As I struggle to fight my emotions of wanting to kiss a girl or hold her hand, I know that I am going through this to prepare myself to enter a new life of something better. Now not something better than Misty, but an addition to my life.

The other thing is a friend of mine brought this up, well a couple of friends really but one more recently. The comparison between Misty and my future spouse. The fact is there is no comparison. Just because something is labeled the same like the term "wife" does not make them the same. They are two different people, and as much as we humans try to generalize or categorize things I just cannot group my spouse as second or first, its not fair to them and it is not fair to me. I will always love Misty and I will never love her less. As my love grows for another woman my love for Misty will continue to grow as well.

Misty May Andrews, such a beautiful person inside and out. She is so sacred to me. I cry now just thinking of how I was going to list all of her favorite things. It is so difficult to know that she is gone when I can feel her standing behind me as I type this. To be completely cut off from communication and know that she is just right there.




Misty loved making birthday cakes this is one she made a few years ago. She actually made two, both are for Gabe's birthday when he turned 2 years old. She has made a lot of cakes actually some of them are duplicates, but she always had a good time and took pride in what she did in everything she did.

Misty is a person who loved you from the very beginning. Even if she did not know you she still loved you. I remember sitting in a busy area, people watching as we often did and her leaning over to me and said "I love people" I said "why is that?" she replied " I don't know, I just do. See that man over there? I just love him. I don't know his name but I love him" and so on.

I had know Idea hoe much I love Misty until I try to write about her and can only make 5-6 words before I start to cry again. Silly me, no one understands how after more than a year you still feel like they just left. Or how you can still cry just saying their name. I hope and pray that my friends and family never have to experience what I have gone through. But If you do I will be there for you. I promise.

Jake


Happy Birthday Misty from you ever loving husband and family, we miss you SO MUCH!

Photography Class

Life as we know it.

Okay, it is that time again for another blog entry... Sometimes I treat this as a journal rather than a blog. In fact, I do not even know what a blog is really used for. So yesterday was 11 months, I know and it kills me to know that. It is so weird to me that every time I talked with someone, all I wanted him or her to say was “It’s been 11 months today, I was just thinking about how you are doing.” Just so I could tell them how bad the day felt like.

It is so difficult adjusting to the single life. Actually, that is an understatement. It is very difficult. I find that I can go out, date, and have a good time. Nevertheless, I just keep thinking am I really trying to find a spouse? Sorry getting ahead of myself let us say girlfriend. 11 months! I hate, well not hate, but dislike the idea. How do you put on a game face for everyone and then try to go out and have a good time? The answer is; you just do it. It is tough but suck it up Jake. “You’re being too hard on yourself,” they say. Am I really? God made me, a mighty fine human being I might add. If I know that I can do better is that being too hard on me? Let us think about the question... Am I being hard on myself? On the other hand, is life just being hard on me? Just because life is hard on me does not mean I just give up.

Now I can make mistakes I know this. I am making plenty of them right now. That is how we rebuild. That is how we gain strength! Not to beat ourselves down but to conquer the journey! Endure to the end... Such a powerful statement when you think about it. To the very end, some people think that they cannot make it that far. Some think that they already have. Some think they are putting in overtime. I know we all can be at certain levels of this in our lives. However, there are truly so many great things we have on earth. We are given the choice every day to move forward or back, the choice between right and wrong, the choice to submit to his will or our own.
His will is tough to swallow sometimes, but He knows better. I know when I submit to his will that I am made stronger, refined, and purified through the atonement of our savior. Sure, it is not easy but I know I can do it. I know that I am better than I am currently putting out there. There are not too many things in this life that are easy, except when we are choosing what is right in our life. Then no matter what the trial is, it can be overcome.

Now I said that this is a difficult thing, it is tough because I feel like I have already grown up; I know what married life is like. Some of the people I meet do not know that yet, even if they have already been married. It is as if they did not figure it out the first time, which may be why they are single again. I am not saying that every "single" person is acting this way. I have just noticed that there are some people that are at some of these events are acting as if they are still learning a lot. Which puts me in an odd place; I am a very social person in groups. Last night I was the guy that you wanted to meet. I was able to introduce many people to each other and get them talking. Deep down last night, all I wanted was to be with my wife and have her share in the experience. Deep down the pain was there but I had to grit my teeth and still have fun. I did have fun; I met a ton of great people. I know that this going to have to be the way I am going to meet someone that may be my wife one day. If you are not going and putting your name out there, no one will see it right? Remember though love comes when you are not looking for it, it just cannot find you if it has nowhere to look.

Thank you to everyone for being my friend. This is the toughest journey so far in my life. However, it is a good one!

So I wrote a paper for English Class I thought I would share it.

Now try to bear with me. I found this very difficult and very frustrating to write. So you have a background on why I wrote this... I was told when writing this paper to choose a subject that I was passionate about and something that was arguable. Now I am not sure I made the best case for my argument but I tried I guess. So here it is... read and enjoy I hope.

PS I got extra credit if I included the word zombie somewhere in the paper...

Jacob Andrews

He is real

Some people think that there is no God because if there was a God he would not let them suffer through life. Some think that there is no God because there is no way to see him so he must not exist. Some do not want to believe because they do not want to be involved with organized religion or do not want to follow God's Commandments. Others on this earth have never even heard of God so they believe in other things. God cannot be physically proven until after death. However, the existence of God is real because there is not enough evidence to prove that he does not exist, and the natural order of the universe and life on earth point to a deliberate creator. In addition, all truth can be proven through the Holy Ghost.

Many Scientists have made a claim that God cannot exist because the earth is much older than what is stated in the bible. Also many say that through evolution all life came to be. Professor Richard Dawkins said in an interview with Time magazine "If God wanted to create life and create humans, it would be slightly odd that he should choose the extraordinarily roundabout way of waiting for 10 billion years before life got started and then waiting for another 4 billion years until you got human beings capable of worshipping and sinning and all the other things religious people are interested in." God cannot be physically proven until after death. There is no physical evidence that God exists anywhere. Atheist believers say that it is impossible to prove the existence of something that never existed. They also say if God is real, why will he not show Himself to the world now?

One of many reasons people do not believe in His existence is: One cannot believe which cannot be seen. This can be argued because there are many things on the earth which cannot be seen but yet are indeed real. For instance if a person were to look at an apple, one could not see that there are cells, molecules and atoms. Yet we all know that they are there. We know this because we have scientists that have researched and have discovered for themselves that they exist. Some could actually go and do the work for themselves and see and believe. Science states that there is no evidence that God exists or ever existed. So should we believe that if something cannot be proven with scientific evidence then it must not exist?

This was proven wrong with the discovery of black holes. Scientists once believed that there was no such thing as a black hole. Since that time scientist now believe in the existence of black holes because of modern advances in science. So just because there is no scientific evidence found yet, does not mean that God cannot exist. I think that science should continue its efforts to explore the world and space, I believe that one day the more scientific evidence they find, the greater the chance of them finding evidence of a divine creator.

There are people in this world who spend an enormous amount of time trying to prove that God does not exist by science. "The ultimate point is that science does not deal with belief; it deals with things that you can prove. And since we can't prove or disprove the existence of God, the question of whether or not a person believes in God doesn't (or at the very least shouldn't) have anything to do with scientific reasoning." (Rothstein) Thus we see that God may never be proven by science.

Another example that shows that God cannot be physically proven until after death is... Some people feel that if they see a sign from heaven they will believe. If anyone were to believe this is true, they would be sorely mistaken. The world we live in today is full of illusion and deception. In fact there are people who make a living at doing it. Imagine a world where “seeing is believing”. If that world truly existed, we would have men that could fly with the power of their mind. We would have alien creatures blowing up The White House. The streets would be littered with mindless zombies. Yet we know that the news and media often twist the truth and make illusions to have things appear to be something they are not. Even still if a sign was given to us to believe (which many have already) most would still not believe it anyhow. We can read an account of the followers of Moses in the Old Testament. As Moses lifted a serpent of brass upon a pole and told them to look and be healed although many did not. (Num. 21: 9) They did not look because they felt that it would not heal them. So if a sign or manifestation was given to all of us, there still would be non believers. Thus there must be something else that will prove God's existence.

God is real is because the natural order to the universe and life on earth point to a deliberate creator. There are many arguments about the natural order to the universe. Science explains this by the laws of gravity; everything that has mass is continually falling toward another object that has more mass. The speed of an object can allow for it to travel faster than the gravitational pull toward the object with more mass creating what is called an orbit. This pattern is common in space and everything in it appears to have one. When we observe space we can see that there is a seemingly infinite number and complexity of our universe. In our solar system we have planets that move in harmony around our sun. Earth is at the perfect distance from our sun. If it was too far away we would all freeze, if it were any closer we would burn. There are many other factor in the solar system that if they were not just right, we would perish.

Take into account just the human body, Dr. Francis Collins said to PBS “Where did that come from? I reject the idea that that is an evolutionary consequence, because that moral law sometimes tells us that the right thing to do is very self-destructive. If I'm walking down the riverbank, and a man is drowning, even if I don't know how to swim very well, I feel this urge that the right thing to do is to try to save that person. Evolution would tell me exactly the opposite: preserve your DNA. Who cares about the guy who's drowning? He's one of the weaker ones, let him go. It's your DNA that needs to survive. And yet that's not what's written within me.” The more we study the human body, the more we find out we know even less than we thought we did. Almost every new discover creates two more questions. The human brain is remarkable and DNA is so complex. Now just because something is complex and is hard to understand does not mean that it must be God. You would be fooling yourself. And is often an Atheist believer’s opinion on believers of God. They assume that someone who believes is God is naive and is not willing to open there eyes to scientific explanation. I am completely open for science to explain things which can be understood with our mortal minds. However, I believe in purpose of creation and not just random happenstance.

Imagine the possibility of random matter floating around forming into a solar system, then forming into earth, which then formed into life, which formed into human life and then became your best friend who just got done telling you a funny story. How would matter traveling at undetermined speeds away from the center of the universe just happen to come up with something like that? I think that it would have the same probability as a printing press exploding and somehow forming Webster's Dictionary. I have one question then. Who would turn the pages to allow the ink on each page?

Believers of God must rely on the testimonies of others who have seen him, talked with him and have been in his presence. These people wrote down what they saw, heard and felt. These people were also able to tell their stories which were also written. The one downfall to these accounts is that they can be proven inaccurate due to the multiple hands and many translations of the written stories that had to happen for us to read them today. This is why there is a third element to God. The spirit of God is unlike anything anyone could imagine. The Spirit of God is also known as: The Holy Ghost, the Holy Ghost is the proof that God exists. By the power of the Holy Ghost one can feel the presence of God. How can this be better than seeing? It is better because it can give a personal witness to the truth. The Holy Ghost has the ability to speak to a person's mind, has he or she feel certain emotions and can help to discern truth from that which is false.

In my personal life I was once someone who could be considered an atheist. I had many times in my life where my family would say that there is a God, yet I did not believe. I had spent many years of my life saying that Jesus Christ may have been a good person, but he was no God. I also found myself believing that there might be a God but he does not care about me. It was not until the death of my aunt did I even consider an afterlife.

While I was twenty years old my Father passed away from colon cancer. Then after a year and a half my Mother died from pneumonia. What seemed as the worst time in my life, I feel now that my belief was starting to blossom. Although I still did not really believe in a God I had hope that I would see them again. Unfortunately death was to become a regular pattern in my life. My cousin who was my best friend growing up lost his life to diabetes at the young age of twenty seven. At this time my Wife and I decide that we should plan for the unexpected and get funeral plans for ourselves. Still a nonbeliever I had hope for something more.

A few years later I had found religion and came to know that God is real and did care for me as much as I had thought. I found that the Holy Ghost was able to testify that in my heart through feeling and intense spiritual understanding. This is hard to explain to someone who has not felt this in their life. What I know is that I once did not believe, when I allowed myself the chance to believe understanding from the Holy Ghost explained in my mind that it was real.

The reason I know that this was the Holy Ghost is, I lived a life where I did not allow him to speak with me. Once I allowed him in my life I was allowed truth to enter my mind as I was taught the things concerning God.

Soon I was in a stage in my life where I felt I was on top of the world. I had a great job, a nice home and a wife who loved me. My wife was pregnant with our first child and we were going to have a baby boy. Suddenly my life would again change forever and on June 22, 2009. My wife and son passed away due to a large blood clot trapped in her lungs. Now one might say that God would not allow such tragedy to happen to someone so young, or someone who believes in him. Despite the pain that I have felt during this time in my life I feel that my life is more in tune the spirit than ever. I have been given reassurance in an afterlife and a divine message that God is in control.

Now, one does not have to go through what I have to feel or to know that he is real. We cannot prove that he exists until death. And we know that there is not enough evidence to prove that he does not exist. Yet there are many facets of life that show us that He created us. And finally through the Holy Ghost it can be proven to each of us individually. We know that; “seeing is not believing”, we know this because of the ability we all have to deceive. Deception is everywhere we turn and it causes us to doubt almost everything. We can rely on the Holy Ghost to help us see the truth in everything. How can one say that He is not real if they are not willing to ask?

Works Cited
Collins, Francis. Nation Public Radio. 29 March 2007. April 2010 .
Dawkins, Richard. Time Magazine. 5 November 2006. April 2010 .
Foundation, WGBH Educational. The Question of God. 2004. April 2010 .
"Numbers." The Old Testament. n.d. 21:9.
Rothstein, Dave. Ask an Astronomer at Cornell University. September 2001. 4 April 2001 .

I have to try to do this more often...

It is so strange that we can turn to a piece of paper or in this case a text box and write all about ourselves but when we talk to someone in person we do not always do that? I have been trying to do that more and more. When I open up to people it helps me feel a little better about myself. So here I am blogspot and followers. Yeah I have been feeling down and some days just feeling great. my problem is I have no idea what I want. I feel directionless, never in my life have I felt this way.

I am doing what I am supposed to for the most part. I just feel like I should be heading somewhere in life but it just is not there. I feel I have ambition but no target. Not many people know this but I have been dating. There it is out in the open. Now I am not looking for a relationship, just friendship. That is hard for some people, but it is also easy for some people to understand as well. The women I have met are amazing! they are beautiful, fun, kind, understanding, spiritual and did I mention stunning? They really are! Everything anyone would want in a girl! I can't figure out though that I am I having a hard time being attracted to any of them. I feel a physical attraction just no emotional. But I feel they could be really good friends to me.

Here is the thing, I feel like there are times when ether girls will talk to me or I will talk to them, and they are very pretty and they have lots of things going for them great body, great face. And when i get to know their personality it gets even better. I just feel like a hollow shell who can bare my soul to them and tell them everything and anything. I just feel like I can't produce love. So I feel like I should turn to friends. I have such good friends some of them best. I don't know where to start. I mean I have been told time and time again, yeah just give me a call we can hang out. You know how hard it is to call someone when you are in a crappy mood? And then say "Hey whats up remember that time when you said 'lets hang out!' well I want to collect on that." It is not easy, no reason to call seems good enough. to call.

I have been having new friends enter my life as well as old ones. I just had a friend from my past reenter my life. It was my old missionary. She called me up about a month ago and we talked for a little bit. It was so great to see her again to bring back some of those great times Misty and I had with her. And since then we have become Facebook friends and I have been able to reconnect with a few more of my Missionaries.

I have also had a few new ones... This is where I don't know what to do. Like I said I have been dating from a website. But i think that I am going to stop. Because the people I think I want to talk to will not talk to me, or once they do I don't feel like talking to them after that. I want to be in love so badly but I just can't produce it. Not yet anyway. I will still try but my account expired the 4th and I will not be renewing. I will just talk to those that I am currently talking to and stick with that until I am ready. This last weekend I met a few new people from a widows/widowers conference and it took me a awhile to be my self but I really had a good time. I hope to talk with the people I met there and become friends. I just think that way there won't be the dating feel but we can go out and do things that couples do and not feel the pressure of dating.

I know there are people who read my blog and have girls that they want to set me up with. Well that has been one of the reasons I have not told people that I am dating. I don't want to be set up right now. And this is not a cry to have people invite me over ether. I just need to figure things out right now on my own and with heavenly fathers help. I have faith that I can overcome any challenge with Him and His Son. I just want to let people be aware of what I am doing in life and how I feel. In the meantime you can keep all of you Hot friends in the memory banks until I start asking. I just don't want to be a charity case ether and have you say to them you have to date this guy because no one will if you don't.

So I think I am going to hang out more with the widows and try to manage a single life. I have such a hard time being alone. but I have to overcome it someday so that I can be strong for me next wife. I love Misty she is always in my prayers! She is having the best time with our son right now! I miss her so much. Who knew...

I love you all thanks again for your prayers and support.

Dinner for 3

Well I got home after picking up the Dog from the groomers today. Called my friends Todd, Amy and Oliver. Wished Oliver a happy birthday. He is so cute. I then got off the phone, and started to think. Well thinking turned into complete sobbing. I have not cried really good in a long time. Yesterday was 8 months since Misty passed and I miss her so much!

Well as I was crying I thought about some spagetti sauce that she made and froze for us to eat later. I thought why not make a special dinner for us as a family. Me Misty and Lucas. Try not to think of me insane because I am not. This was actually therapeutic to do. I was supposed to get so much done tonight but I just could not stop crying. I hate to say it but it felt good to let those feelings out. I prayed over dinner as if Misty and Lucas were right there, I asked for them to be blessed in their work on the other side of the veil and it felt so good to think of them with me.

And of course in true Misty fashion she had to take pictures of every cute thing. So that's what I did in remembrance of her. Even though it was frozen for 9 months the sauce was GREAT! Misty is a awesome cook. I did not get my english paper done but I will have to work on it now so I get an "A" like my last one!

Here are the pictures of the night. for some reason it put them in the wrong order and it won't change it when I drag them. I can edit the HTML but I am lazy and don't have the time. I took the first picture with my phone and then decided to try to get artsy... did not work too well.

You would not believe how ard it is to get this clear with out a tripod in low lighting.





Misty wrote this note to me about 2 weeks before she died.

Never thought that I would see the day...

You hate to see it but I guess that it is one of those milestones so to speak. I have to say that just over 7 months ago I was a different person. I am doing my best to welcome the change and leave room in my life to become a better man. I miss Misty so much, it is hard to describe it. It is so tough to want to cry so bad and all you feel like doing is laughing. The mental struggles one goes through during tragedy is so interesting. I have come a long way, but I have a long way to go. all i can say to everyone is Stay strong and endure to the end.

Thanks again to all who pray and think about me. I love each and everyone of you.

So its been a while.

I know I have not been the best at updating this lately... I want everyone to know I am Okay. I have had a real hard time through the holidays. Every time I would get on here to say something I would just get angry for no reason and not feel like it. I am sure a lot of people probably stopped looking here because it has been 2 months since I have written. So whats been going on you ask?

Well not really too much, Living I guess. I should say surviving. Some things that have happened;

Purchased Misty's Headstone.
Went on a trip to Denver.
Survived Thanksgiving.
Purchased a new TV.
Survived Christmas and New years.
Registered for school.

pretty much in that order, among with other things.

I have such good friends and family that help me through it all, and continue to help.

How do you explain how much you hurt inside and filled with complete sadness. With out making people start thinking your depressed or forcing psychiatric help.

Some have suggested counseling for me. I have thought about it, but sometimes I just fill like I don't need it. So I don't.

Instead I have joined a group of Widows and Widowers on Facebook.

I have set some new goals for myself this year as well, and I am going to try to start meeting new people. That might occupied some of my alone time. I do have great friends and even some single friends that I can hang out with. I just think meeting new people will help me take my mind off of things.



I have on my computer a little photo app that rotates through photos that are of Misty. This just happened to be one that was up during the time that I was writing this, so i thought I would share. Oh how I miss her... its so hard to explain the way I feel sometimes. Lost is a good word.

Waiting for the day to be found again...