Sunday, May 23, 2010

Life as we know it.

Okay, it is that time again for another blog entry... Sometimes I treat this as a journal rather than a blog. In fact, I do not even know what a blog is really used for. So yesterday was 11 months, I know and it kills me to know that. It is so weird to me that every time I talked with someone, all I wanted him or her to say was “It’s been 11 months today, I was just thinking about how you are doing.” Just so I could tell them how bad the day felt like.

It is so difficult adjusting to the single life. Actually, that is an understatement. It is very difficult. I find that I can go out, date, and have a good time. Nevertheless, I just keep thinking am I really trying to find a spouse? Sorry getting ahead of myself let us say girlfriend. 11 months! I hate, well not hate, but dislike the idea. How do you put on a game face for everyone and then try to go out and have a good time? The answer is; you just do it. It is tough but suck it up Jake. “You’re being too hard on yourself,” they say. Am I really? God made me, a mighty fine human being I might add. If I know that I can do better is that being too hard on me? Let us think about the question... Am I being hard on myself? On the other hand, is life just being hard on me? Just because life is hard on me does not mean I just give up.

Now I can make mistakes I know this. I am making plenty of them right now. That is how we rebuild. That is how we gain strength! Not to beat ourselves down but to conquer the journey! Endure to the end... Such a powerful statement when you think about it. To the very end, some people think that they cannot make it that far. Some think that they already have. Some think they are putting in overtime. I know we all can be at certain levels of this in our lives. However, there are truly so many great things we have on earth. We are given the choice every day to move forward or back, the choice between right and wrong, the choice to submit to his will or our own.
His will is tough to swallow sometimes, but He knows better. I know when I submit to his will that I am made stronger, refined, and purified through the atonement of our savior. Sure, it is not easy but I know I can do it. I know that I am better than I am currently putting out there. There are not too many things in this life that are easy, except when we are choosing what is right in our life. Then no matter what the trial is, it can be overcome.

Now I said that this is a difficult thing, it is tough because I feel like I have already grown up; I know what married life is like. Some of the people I meet do not know that yet, even if they have already been married. It is as if they did not figure it out the first time, which may be why they are single again. I am not saying that every "single" person is acting this way. I have just noticed that there are some people that are at some of these events are acting as if they are still learning a lot. Which puts me in an odd place; I am a very social person in groups. Last night I was the guy that you wanted to meet. I was able to introduce many people to each other and get them talking. Deep down last night, all I wanted was to be with my wife and have her share in the experience. Deep down the pain was there but I had to grit my teeth and still have fun. I did have fun; I met a ton of great people. I know that this going to have to be the way I am going to meet someone that may be my wife one day. If you are not going and putting your name out there, no one will see it right? Remember though love comes when you are not looking for it, it just cannot find you if it has nowhere to look.

Thank you to everyone for being my friend. This is the toughest journey so far in my life. However, it is a good one!

5 comments:

Twisted Chicken said...

I saw you walking to your car outside Winco yesterday. It was still daylight and I instantly recognized you even though we've only met once or twice. You looked so sad. I was with my sisters. I said "That's Misty's husband, Jake. I wish I knew him better because he looks like he needs a warm hug."

As you walked by I wanted to say something, anything to let you know I think about you and pray for you and wish all good things for you. I only met Misty a few times but she made a lasting impression on me. You have, too.

Now, since her passing, I often wonder why Misty isn't here and I am. I developed blood clots during my pregnancy like her. Her death has made me wonder why her and not me so many times.

When I saw you yesterday I knew it was 11 months. I wanted to reach out to you, to acknowledge that I knew. To tell you I think about her and you often. I was too shy because I really don't know you, I barely knew her.

Now reading your post today, I feel like I shouldn't have been too shy. That you really were sad and maybe you needed me to acknowledge you. I wish I had heeded the promptings of the spirit yesterday. I regret that I did not.

I'm very sorry I did not have the courage to overcome my apprehension and do something...a smile or a handshake or even to say hello. Perhaps I will be able to do that next time. None of this makes any sense to you, I'm sure but I needed to tell you. I know it's 11 months. I think about it all the time. My heart hurts for you often.

My Gift's to Share said...

Thanks Jake that is what I needed today. :)

Jen Allyson said...

I feel like whenever I read these, there is so much I want to say, but have no idea how to say it. So I don't end up posting at all.
So here I am posting nothing in particular, but I wanted to let you know that I think of you and Misty often and love you both very much.

Anonymous said...

Jake,

I think of you & Misty often. I didn't know her very well - only through the scrapbook message boards. I check your blog on occasion to see how you're doing. I was just sitting here thinking about the two of you and your sweet baby so I wanted to stop by and see if you'd updated lately. I had no idea that today was the anniversary - I'm sitting here with goosebumps and I'm kind of in shock - that of all the days I could have stopped by, I chose today.

I am saying a prayer for you. I cannot begin to imagine how incredibly difficult today has been.

Cynthia said...

I also only knew Misty a little bit. And yet she just had a sparkle- you know? So open, friendly and mischevious. I think about you guys a lot. I can't imagine why you've been called upon to endure this HUGE of a trial. I can tell you that you are inspiring so many people with the brave way you are facing it and still trying to LIVE your life. May all good blessings come to you.