I have to try to do this more often...

It is so strange that we can turn to a piece of paper or in this case a text box and write all about ourselves but when we talk to someone in person we do not always do that? I have been trying to do that more and more. When I open up to people it helps me feel a little better about myself. So here I am blogspot and followers. Yeah I have been feeling down and some days just feeling great. my problem is I have no idea what I want. I feel directionless, never in my life have I felt this way.

I am doing what I am supposed to for the most part. I just feel like I should be heading somewhere in life but it just is not there. I feel I have ambition but no target. Not many people know this but I have been dating. There it is out in the open. Now I am not looking for a relationship, just friendship. That is hard for some people, but it is also easy for some people to understand as well. The women I have met are amazing! they are beautiful, fun, kind, understanding, spiritual and did I mention stunning? They really are! Everything anyone would want in a girl! I can't figure out though that I am I having a hard time being attracted to any of them. I feel a physical attraction just no emotional. But I feel they could be really good friends to me.

Here is the thing, I feel like there are times when ether girls will talk to me or I will talk to them, and they are very pretty and they have lots of things going for them great body, great face. And when i get to know their personality it gets even better. I just feel like a hollow shell who can bare my soul to them and tell them everything and anything. I just feel like I can't produce love. So I feel like I should turn to friends. I have such good friends some of them best. I don't know where to start. I mean I have been told time and time again, yeah just give me a call we can hang out. You know how hard it is to call someone when you are in a crappy mood? And then say "Hey whats up remember that time when you said 'lets hang out!' well I want to collect on that." It is not easy, no reason to call seems good enough. to call.

I have been having new friends enter my life as well as old ones. I just had a friend from my past reenter my life. It was my old missionary. She called me up about a month ago and we talked for a little bit. It was so great to see her again to bring back some of those great times Misty and I had with her. And since then we have become Facebook friends and I have been able to reconnect with a few more of my Missionaries.

I have also had a few new ones... This is where I don't know what to do. Like I said I have been dating from a website. But i think that I am going to stop. Because the people I think I want to talk to will not talk to me, or once they do I don't feel like talking to them after that. I want to be in love so badly but I just can't produce it. Not yet anyway. I will still try but my account expired the 4th and I will not be renewing. I will just talk to those that I am currently talking to and stick with that until I am ready. This last weekend I met a few new people from a widows/widowers conference and it took me a awhile to be my self but I really had a good time. I hope to talk with the people I met there and become friends. I just think that way there won't be the dating feel but we can go out and do things that couples do and not feel the pressure of dating.

I know there are people who read my blog and have girls that they want to set me up with. Well that has been one of the reasons I have not told people that I am dating. I don't want to be set up right now. And this is not a cry to have people invite me over ether. I just need to figure things out right now on my own and with heavenly fathers help. I have faith that I can overcome any challenge with Him and His Son. I just want to let people be aware of what I am doing in life and how I feel. In the meantime you can keep all of you Hot friends in the memory banks until I start asking. I just don't want to be a charity case ether and have you say to them you have to date this guy because no one will if you don't.

So I think I am going to hang out more with the widows and try to manage a single life. I have such a hard time being alone. but I have to overcome it someday so that I can be strong for me next wife. I love Misty she is always in my prayers! She is having the best time with our son right now! I miss her so much. Who knew...

I love you all thanks again for your prayers and support.