Saturday, March 27, 2010

I have to try to do this more often...

It is so strange that we can turn to a piece of paper or in this case a text box and write all about ourselves but when we talk to someone in person we do not always do that? I have been trying to do that more and more. When I open up to people it helps me feel a little better about myself. So here I am blogspot and followers. Yeah I have been feeling down and some days just feeling great. my problem is I have no idea what I want. I feel directionless, never in my life have I felt this way.

I am doing what I am supposed to for the most part. I just feel like I should be heading somewhere in life but it just is not there. I feel I have ambition but no target. Not many people know this but I have been dating. There it is out in the open. Now I am not looking for a relationship, just friendship. That is hard for some people, but it is also easy for some people to understand as well. The women I have met are amazing! they are beautiful, fun, kind, understanding, spiritual and did I mention stunning? They really are! Everything anyone would want in a girl! I can't figure out though that I am I having a hard time being attracted to any of them. I feel a physical attraction just no emotional. But I feel they could be really good friends to me.

Here is the thing, I feel like there are times when ether girls will talk to me or I will talk to them, and they are very pretty and they have lots of things going for them great body, great face. And when i get to know their personality it gets even better. I just feel like a hollow shell who can bare my soul to them and tell them everything and anything. I just feel like I can't produce love. So I feel like I should turn to friends. I have such good friends some of them best. I don't know where to start. I mean I have been told time and time again, yeah just give me a call we can hang out. You know how hard it is to call someone when you are in a crappy mood? And then say "Hey whats up remember that time when you said 'lets hang out!' well I want to collect on that." It is not easy, no reason to call seems good enough. to call.

I have been having new friends enter my life as well as old ones. I just had a friend from my past reenter my life. It was my old missionary. She called me up about a month ago and we talked for a little bit. It was so great to see her again to bring back some of those great times Misty and I had with her. And since then we have become Facebook friends and I have been able to reconnect with a few more of my Missionaries.

I have also had a few new ones... This is where I don't know what to do. Like I said I have been dating from a website. But i think that I am going to stop. Because the people I think I want to talk to will not talk to me, or once they do I don't feel like talking to them after that. I want to be in love so badly but I just can't produce it. Not yet anyway. I will still try but my account expired the 4th and I will not be renewing. I will just talk to those that I am currently talking to and stick with that until I am ready. This last weekend I met a few new people from a widows/widowers conference and it took me a awhile to be my self but I really had a good time. I hope to talk with the people I met there and become friends. I just think that way there won't be the dating feel but we can go out and do things that couples do and not feel the pressure of dating.

I know there are people who read my blog and have girls that they want to set me up with. Well that has been one of the reasons I have not told people that I am dating. I don't want to be set up right now. And this is not a cry to have people invite me over ether. I just need to figure things out right now on my own and with heavenly fathers help. I have faith that I can overcome any challenge with Him and His Son. I just want to let people be aware of what I am doing in life and how I feel. In the meantime you can keep all of you Hot friends in the memory banks until I start asking. I just don't want to be a charity case ether and have you say to them you have to date this guy because no one will if you don't.

So I think I am going to hang out more with the widows and try to manage a single life. I have such a hard time being alone. but I have to overcome it someday so that I can be strong for me next wife. I love Misty she is always in my prayers! She is having the best time with our son right now! I miss her so much. Who knew...

I love you all thanks again for your prayers and support.


Taylor's said...

Chin up love . . . the Lord has something far greater than you can imagine in store for you.

Brian and/or Bobi said...

I'm glad you are willing to become friends with others. That is always the best first step. Also, there is no rush on moving on! You are allowed all the time you need to grieve and prepare yourself for a future without Misty in it from day to day. Hang in there! You are doing what you should be. The Lord will continue to be with you and bless you. Love you!

Anonymous said...

Just hang in there..don't push it to never know what is going to happen. God knows! You never know, the right girl for you (other than Misty) is probably near by, but it isn't time yet. But hang out, have fun with the girls you have seen...just take it all in and take care of you!
Susan in Colorado :)

Allison said...

You're a strong person to bear your soul. You're trying your best and working hard, life will fall into place for you as time goes on I'm sure. My dad went in for a physical today and the doc told him usually it's 24 months to get back after losing a spouse (not to discourage you)- you keep it up, sounds like you are moving along great- wether or not you feel like you are.