I was thinking a lot about how much I miss Misty recently. I was thinking of the mushy song "when you love someone" from the Robinhood movie from the 90's. And I really do love her so much I can barely stand it. I tend to talk a lot... I talk a lot about me and a lot about things I really don't know much about. One thing I love to talk about though is Misty!
What words are there that can really express the feeling and love I have for that great woman! Misty took care of everyone around her. And did not really take time for her self. She is truly a selfless person. She made me happy in every way.
I was thinking about our first real date. It was at Sundance and we went to a play Fiddler on the roof. I think we got there about an hour before dark. I think Misty and I had known each other for about 9-10 days. when we got there we looked around the shops there and some of the resturants. We walked to the chair lift and took a ride around the top. They would not let us get off at the top but it was nice to sit next to her and talk. Later we went down and had dinner from this outdoor BBQ they where doing just before the show. I remember we had steak and mine was overcooked and I decided to make a BBQ sauce out of ketchup, pepper, salt and I think some of the Juice from her steak. SHe looked at me and thought your crazy... then I had her try it, then she knew I was crazy becuase I told her that it tasted good.
When took a tractor that pulled a tralier with hay bails on it to the top of the hill where the show and the seating was. When it started we cuddled up together becuase it started to get cold. Durning the show we met an older couple that we talked with durring intermission, I think they ask how long we were married for! I think they could sense the love we had for each other. When it was done we walked down with this couple and talked with them. They were very nice and I got to know Misty a lot better because they asked questions about us that I did not think of asking.
We took Misty's car becuase Misty's aunt did not like that my car was so small and would probably surivive a crash in her's I guess and it was probably more reliable then my Escort. When I was driving home we were heading through Provo when I turned right and Misty said I ran a red light! I was like no I did not you can turn right on a red. She said no it was a Red right turn arrow! (I never saw one before) I just remember her giggling so much and how much fun we had that night! her luagh was music to my ears.
Never in my life have I felt so appericatied then I have with being with Misty. It was like a light being turned on in my life. Life meant something, problems did not matter and things seams just so good. Misty and I have a kind of love that just won't quit. there were times in our lives that we could just be sitting next to eachother and not say anything and be totally content. We never felt like we had to impress each other we just seemed to have it all by just being together.
Misty just had these ways of just making me so happy her Smile just lit up the room. she had some of the nicest teeth and not too bad of a toung I should say ether... Oh and her eyes My favorite part about her. they made me melt, love, care, enjoy, smile, lust, and crave. They spoke stories of unimaginable paridise. She also had what was know as the "bedroom eyes" Well those I will miss for sure. If you never had a hug from Misty you better get one in the after life. Becuase they were awesome! Such a sweet embrace from a sweet person. No matter how bad the day there was nothing quite like holding my Misty. Misty is a great kisser too I must say, sometimes I would just gently kiss her bottom lip and it would take me to another world. I can't tell you how happy I am that I have Misty in my life. She is my world! she means so much to me and to be with out her just tears me up inside.
I feel I have been left with a lot of confusion in my life. And it has not been easy trying to sort things out with out her. I just miss her so much. thanks for taking the time to read about some of the ways I love her.
Jake
Monday, November 2, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
4 Months
So how do you judge progress after something like this? Still alive? Check. Back to work? Check. House still standing? Well yes. But how do I really know if I have made progress. I mean I am still me. I am still hurting if not more now. Pretty sure I am crazy. Anyone who has gone through this knows this is hard. If you have not, well I think its the hardest thing you could deal with.
I get this a lot. "You seem to be doing so well considering" Or "I don't know how you do it." I have to, I don't get to choose. Guess what? neither do you. As much as you want to believe it. So are you not glad its left up to someone who loves and cares for us, Rather then pure random accidents that some how just randomly work out? It always works out. Just not in our time. No matter how bad it seems it just works out. Well things are working out for me. Not the way I want them to, but I am taken care of.
I just wish I would do more with my Life. Things like this change your perspective on life. In a way you start to envision an eternal aspect of life and a genuine care for what really matters and forget the things that don't. I now have more time to do the things that matter most and I am not taking advantage of it. I know that I need to write more and keep a journal of my experiences so I can teach them later in life to those that need it. This is something that I am failing in. Spending time with family... Not really doing that ether. We are all at different levels of out own unique lives. Sometimes I feel that I have lost a few levels.
Exercises is my drug. I have not been taking anything during this time to help me feel better. Some say I should but I am not sure I need anything. I know these feelings I am having have got to be normal. I feel my exercising is really helping me feel better. I am definitely not as tired. and I am finally starting to notice a difference in my appearance.(BTW I do have before pictures that I may show one day. Once I have the killer bod that I hope for.)For now I am just happy that I am finally sticking to it.
I don't if can even imagine to tell you how much I miss Misty right now. I don't know if I even know. I tell you that is so tough. but you just handle it. Keeping busy helps. So does talking face book believe it or not. I have often debated that I spend to much time on there or should just get rid of it. But it makes me happy. I love it when Misty's Niece's and Nephews Message me. Its also been my way of writing to friends how I am feeling. and Keeping everyone posted on whats going on in my life. Sorry it is just easier to post photos there rather then on this.
One thing I noticed after watching it a bunch of times is that the video I made for Misty I put down the wrong date of when we went through the temple and were sealed. It was the 13Th not the sixth. I don't know what I was thinking but I wanted to publicly announce it because Misty would of caught it before I ever posted it. I just love her So much! SO SO SO MUCH!
I miss sending her flowers on a bad day. Then she would tell me don't waste the money on me, or you don't have to buy me flowers every time I have a bad day. I miss her Smile and her funny jokes. She always loved to be tickled except when I would go for her side or her arm pits. Then after we would have our tickle fights we would call a truce. Sure enough she would start it right back up again. Most who knew her always loved her Smile I love it too but I have always been one for eyes! Hers were the best! They spoke right to my heart every time. They told me everything, even when she wanted to hide. She is a very happy person, but I always knew when she was upset. Talking to her, and trying to have her tell me about it was the hardest part.
She always put her heart and soul into everything she did. If she cooked she did it with love. She made you a card she would start over a hundred times just so she got it right. Even when she typed you a letter she would delete it all and start over until it was perfect. Really it would drive me crazy, but now I know how much she cared for everyone. I hope you know she loves you too. She always will, she made me a better person because of it. So the next time you see me and say he is doing so good. Its because of My beautiful wife that made me this way. Misty I love you I always will. Never forgotten... always remembered in my heart forever.
Jake
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Why I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints
I have been thinking allot and I have got the impression from some of my friend's and some of my family think that the reason I joined the church is just because of Misty. I am not saying that she did not help my efforts but I want everyone to know that I made the choice on my own and with what knowledge I acquired I still would of joined whether it was with Misty or not.
How it all started.
Misty had received a few phone calls from here Visiting Teacher (these are members of the church that are assigned family's to check up on them, find out any needs they may have) Well one day she decided to have them come over and visit with us. They would visit every month and Misty would sit and talk. After a while they invited us to church and we would attend some of the time.
Then we started to attend regularly and go to all of the meetings (there are 3 in a day) then this started into a series of events and things that made me make a few decisions that helped me progress. Now this is very condensed so far but I will expound on it in a little bit.
Why I feel it is important for people to know this.
I have felt for a while that people don't think I make my own decisions. I want you to know that this is because I am a very easy going person and if there is something that bothers me enough I will let you know. I am also very patient with most things and usually let things play out before making such decisions.
I also want you to know that this is very personal to me and it is not open for debate but rather a way for me to express how I feel and why I do the things I do. I appreciate all who read this and please know I care very deeply for those who take the time to help me in this hard time I am in.
Back to the Story...
One day while attending one of the meetings I was in a class that was discussing home and visiting teaching (home teaching is for men of the church to visit families, Visiting teaching is where the women visit with other women) In this lesson I was caught up with so much anxiety about the importance of this lesson. During the entire class I felt I needed to express my opinion on the matter. There were lots of thoughts going through my head... "Why should I say something they won’t care." and "I am not a member of their church they won’t listen" and many similar thoughts. Yet I still felt like I should tell them how much it means to me that they take time out of their lives to visit with my wife and me every month.
Just before the lesson ended I nearly leaped out of my seat and asked "May I say something?" I began to tell them my testimony of home teaching and the difference it made in our lives to have them visit with us. That same day we met some really great friends there and because a wonderful friendship.
This led us to asking allot of questions about the church and cleared up allot of misunderstood things that people say about our church.
Soon after Gordon B Hinkley challenged the members of the church to read the book of Mormon at the same time we had started to have the missionaries visit with us. Along with our friends they challenged Misty and I to start reading. It was hard at first because the only book about God I even sort of believed to be true was the bible.
As I read I thought of any way I could to prove it wrong in my mind and discount everything that was said. People would I how the reading was going and we would tell them "just fine". But we did not really read that much.
This is why my wife is so much better than me. She would pick up on things and tell me them and explain them in ways I had never thought of. She was progressing so much faster than I. And I think this is where people got confused about me joining the church just because of Misty. Yes she did believe it before me, but I still needed to make my own choice to believe myself. And the person that helped me the most is my wife. She expressed so much patience for me and so much love and understanding in my own personal doubts. Without her I would not have made it through the onslaught of satan’s influence you feel with doing what the lord wants.
As we continued to read I began to pray to know the truth of the book and the church. All I ever wanted was a voice to tell me whether or not it was true. As I would pray nightly with my wife. I would ask if it was true. Every single time I asked I would receive this answer "Why are you even asking you already know it’s true." Oh I heard a voice yet it was so small and so familiar to me that I thought it was actually my own. I literally thought I had been brain-washed.
The thing is they never used any equipment and I was asking all the questions they would just give me pure and simple answers. After a while I thought to myself. Could this really be true? Could these people of actually lived here on this Continent and wrote these things down? Would God actually care about someone other than Jerusalem? I said "I guess it is possible." it was like a switch gone off in my brain and everything began to make sense. And I actually believed it was true. All I needed to do was allow the possibility and God made it fact.
There was one other time I heard this voice during my conversion. I did not feel I was ready for baptism at the time but I pondered it allot. Finally while I was showering one day I began to think and said to myself "if I were to be baptized when it would be?" Instantly I heard "January 4th" I knew at that point that it was not my own voice or thought. It was the Holy Ghost and he had been telling me the entire time that I already know it.
Now I already told you that I don't want a debate or trying to prove me wrong I am just telling you my story and why I joined these are some of my beliefs and you do not have to read them if you don't want to. Just know that I am not trying to preach but only express what I believe in.
I believe that when Christ was on the earth that he established one church with a specific teaching that did not accept the belief of man. But only the true teaching of the word of God. This made me think that there is only one true church of God or they are all wrong. I don't think that they are all right just as long as they believe in Jesus everything is OK. Now I am NOT saying that the church's today do not teach truth. I know that all church's that teach that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world are in fact teaching truth. I think there is just one that teaches the most truth.
When Joseph Smith was younger he went into the woods to pray thinking that with all of the different teachings there must be one that was right. He thought that God could not be the author of so much confusion and figured that one must be his church. He received an answer that was very much different than he thought. He was told that none were true and that it must be restored at a later date. Click here
This brought a lot of questions to my mind. "Why would Heavenly father and Jesus Christ appear to a 14 year old?" I thought about that allot and figured he can do whatever he wants I guess. Stranger things have happened. child born of a virgin, Flooding of the world, 900 year old men, loins that do not attack a man that have been trained to kill. Then I thought more and found that he probably appeared to him because he asked. And he really wanted to know. He also needed to be prepared to do what God asked of him.
Do you really think that a 14 year old boy would make up a lie and defend until he was murdered from it in the mid 30's? And not only did it affect him but his entire family and everyone he would associate with. People were murdered because of this. I can’t think of anyone who would go through so much and not say hey I made it all up if it were not in fact true and really did happen.
I also believe that baptism must be done in order to enter heaven. And so do many other faiths otherwise why do it at all? Could you not just take a bath? I cannot believe that my nephew’s cousins and other family will not go to heaven because they did not get baptized. If we all must be baptized then there must be something for those that passed without it. See Paul's teachings in the New Testament to the Corinthians.
This is why I have a belief in temples that do this for those who have passed. It is always our choice to accept this if it be our will. If you think of it this way. If you don't need to be baptized then we just got wet for no reason. If you do well, you’re welcome.
I also believe that the God head are 3 separate beings. There are too many references in the scriptures that mention them as separate. Those that say that they are one I believe are not a literal One but One in purpose, one in likeness. Or in other words on the same side.
I also think that faith is an action and you must do good things and repent in order to go to heaven. James chapter 2 verse 20 says: But wilt thou know, O vain man, that faith without works is dead? It is through our faith that we are saved but we must do our part to inherit the kingdom of God.
Here is a Scripture out of the book of Mormon that helped me to know this to be true.
"And now as I said concerning faith—faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."
"27 But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.
28 Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.
29 Now behold, would not this increase your faith? I say unto you, Yea; nevertheless it hath not grown up to a perfect knowledge.
30 But behold, as the seed swelleth, and sprouteth, and beginneth to grow, then you must needs say that the seed is good; for behold it swelleth, and sprouteth, and beginneth to grow. And now, behold, will not this strengthen your faith? Yea, it will strengthen your faith: for ye will say I know that this is a good seed; for behold it sprouteth and beginneth to grow.
31 And now, behold, are ye sure that this is a good seed? I say unto you, Yea; for every seed bringeth forth unto its own likeness. "
This is what happened to me. I let a little faith get planted into my heart and the Lord did the rest.
I pray that no one who read this is offended it is not my idea to offend but to show why I believe the things I do. I love my family I love my friends I thanks them both everyday for helping me get to this point in my life.
Thanks for reading
Jake
How it all started.
Misty had received a few phone calls from here Visiting Teacher (these are members of the church that are assigned family's to check up on them, find out any needs they may have) Well one day she decided to have them come over and visit with us. They would visit every month and Misty would sit and talk. After a while they invited us to church and we would attend some of the time.
Then we started to attend regularly and go to all of the meetings (there are 3 in a day) then this started into a series of events and things that made me make a few decisions that helped me progress. Now this is very condensed so far but I will expound on it in a little bit.
Why I feel it is important for people to know this.
I have felt for a while that people don't think I make my own decisions. I want you to know that this is because I am a very easy going person and if there is something that bothers me enough I will let you know. I am also very patient with most things and usually let things play out before making such decisions.
I also want you to know that this is very personal to me and it is not open for debate but rather a way for me to express how I feel and why I do the things I do. I appreciate all who read this and please know I care very deeply for those who take the time to help me in this hard time I am in.
Back to the Story...
One day while attending one of the meetings I was in a class that was discussing home and visiting teaching (home teaching is for men of the church to visit families, Visiting teaching is where the women visit with other women) In this lesson I was caught up with so much anxiety about the importance of this lesson. During the entire class I felt I needed to express my opinion on the matter. There were lots of thoughts going through my head... "Why should I say something they won’t care." and "I am not a member of their church they won’t listen" and many similar thoughts. Yet I still felt like I should tell them how much it means to me that they take time out of their lives to visit with my wife and me every month.
Just before the lesson ended I nearly leaped out of my seat and asked "May I say something?" I began to tell them my testimony of home teaching and the difference it made in our lives to have them visit with us. That same day we met some really great friends there and because a wonderful friendship.
This led us to asking allot of questions about the church and cleared up allot of misunderstood things that people say about our church.
Soon after Gordon B Hinkley challenged the members of the church to read the book of Mormon at the same time we had started to have the missionaries visit with us. Along with our friends they challenged Misty and I to start reading. It was hard at first because the only book about God I even sort of believed to be true was the bible.
As I read I thought of any way I could to prove it wrong in my mind and discount everything that was said. People would I how the reading was going and we would tell them "just fine". But we did not really read that much.
This is why my wife is so much better than me. She would pick up on things and tell me them and explain them in ways I had never thought of. She was progressing so much faster than I. And I think this is where people got confused about me joining the church just because of Misty. Yes she did believe it before me, but I still needed to make my own choice to believe myself. And the person that helped me the most is my wife. She expressed so much patience for me and so much love and understanding in my own personal doubts. Without her I would not have made it through the onslaught of satan’s influence you feel with doing what the lord wants.
As we continued to read I began to pray to know the truth of the book and the church. All I ever wanted was a voice to tell me whether or not it was true. As I would pray nightly with my wife. I would ask if it was true. Every single time I asked I would receive this answer "Why are you even asking you already know it’s true." Oh I heard a voice yet it was so small and so familiar to me that I thought it was actually my own. I literally thought I had been brain-washed.
The thing is they never used any equipment and I was asking all the questions they would just give me pure and simple answers. After a while I thought to myself. Could this really be true? Could these people of actually lived here on this Continent and wrote these things down? Would God actually care about someone other than Jerusalem? I said "I guess it is possible." it was like a switch gone off in my brain and everything began to make sense. And I actually believed it was true. All I needed to do was allow the possibility and God made it fact.
There was one other time I heard this voice during my conversion. I did not feel I was ready for baptism at the time but I pondered it allot. Finally while I was showering one day I began to think and said to myself "if I were to be baptized when it would be?" Instantly I heard "January 4th" I knew at that point that it was not my own voice or thought. It was the Holy Ghost and he had been telling me the entire time that I already know it.
Now I already told you that I don't want a debate or trying to prove me wrong I am just telling you my story and why I joined these are some of my beliefs and you do not have to read them if you don't want to. Just know that I am not trying to preach but only express what I believe in.
I believe that when Christ was on the earth that he established one church with a specific teaching that did not accept the belief of man. But only the true teaching of the word of God. This made me think that there is only one true church of God or they are all wrong. I don't think that they are all right just as long as they believe in Jesus everything is OK. Now I am NOT saying that the church's today do not teach truth. I know that all church's that teach that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world are in fact teaching truth. I think there is just one that teaches the most truth.
When Joseph Smith was younger he went into the woods to pray thinking that with all of the different teachings there must be one that was right. He thought that God could not be the author of so much confusion and figured that one must be his church. He received an answer that was very much different than he thought. He was told that none were true and that it must be restored at a later date. Click here
This brought a lot of questions to my mind. "Why would Heavenly father and Jesus Christ appear to a 14 year old?" I thought about that allot and figured he can do whatever he wants I guess. Stranger things have happened. child born of a virgin, Flooding of the world, 900 year old men, loins that do not attack a man that have been trained to kill. Then I thought more and found that he probably appeared to him because he asked. And he really wanted to know. He also needed to be prepared to do what God asked of him.
Do you really think that a 14 year old boy would make up a lie and defend until he was murdered from it in the mid 30's? And not only did it affect him but his entire family and everyone he would associate with. People were murdered because of this. I can’t think of anyone who would go through so much and not say hey I made it all up if it were not in fact true and really did happen.
I also believe that baptism must be done in order to enter heaven. And so do many other faiths otherwise why do it at all? Could you not just take a bath? I cannot believe that my nephew’s cousins and other family will not go to heaven because they did not get baptized. If we all must be baptized then there must be something for those that passed without it. See Paul's teachings in the New Testament to the Corinthians.
This is why I have a belief in temples that do this for those who have passed. It is always our choice to accept this if it be our will. If you think of it this way. If you don't need to be baptized then we just got wet for no reason. If you do well, you’re welcome.
I also believe that the God head are 3 separate beings. There are too many references in the scriptures that mention them as separate. Those that say that they are one I believe are not a literal One but One in purpose, one in likeness. Or in other words on the same side.
I also think that faith is an action and you must do good things and repent in order to go to heaven. James chapter 2 verse 20 says: But wilt thou know, O vain man, that faith without works is dead? It is through our faith that we are saved but we must do our part to inherit the kingdom of God.
Here is a Scripture out of the book of Mormon that helped me to know this to be true.
"And now as I said concerning faith—faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."
"27 But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.
28 Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.
29 Now behold, would not this increase your faith? I say unto you, Yea; nevertheless it hath not grown up to a perfect knowledge.
30 But behold, as the seed swelleth, and sprouteth, and beginneth to grow, then you must needs say that the seed is good; for behold it swelleth, and sprouteth, and beginneth to grow. And now, behold, will not this strengthen your faith? Yea, it will strengthen your faith: for ye will say I know that this is a good seed; for behold it sprouteth and beginneth to grow.
31 And now, behold, are ye sure that this is a good seed? I say unto you, Yea; for every seed bringeth forth unto its own likeness. "
This is what happened to me. I let a little faith get planted into my heart and the Lord did the rest.
I pray that no one who read this is offended it is not my idea to offend but to show why I believe the things I do. I love my family I love my friends I thanks them both everyday for helping me get to this point in my life.
Thanks for reading
Jake
Sunday, September 6, 2009
My wife is beautiful.
Just watched the video again got through with out crying, I have seen it over 30 times. This time it just made me so happy that I got the pleasure to know her so well. I can say I knew Misty better than anyone else. That to me is a huge blessing! That is why I feel so alone. To know someone so well that you think the same things, know all of their secrets. To make every moment with that person mean something. To hold someone so close to feel their breath on the back of your neck. To wipe away their tears when they have had a bad day. To lay beside them from hours and ponder life's meaning. I could go on for days... To have it all removed is absolutely gut wrenching. The Saturday that this happened to Misty, I just felt so sick it is really unexplainable unless you have gone through it yourself.
I have noticed that I am become jealous of other relationships and to those having children, I am sure this behavior is normal for my situation, but it makes me miserable. I haven't felt jealous for a very long time.Just before meeting Misty was the last. Misty and I have a awesome relationship, I never felt jealous with Misty. It was if I always had complete trust in her that she loved me first and always. I know these feelings I am having are different but I hate it. Its like I want to shout out and say "don't you know what you have!" Or "I hope he tells her she is beautiful every day" or "when will I have children?". it's just such an evil feeling. I know these people are great and they are doing their best. I just want what they have! I want what I used to have. Now I know that I will get it later but the selfish side of me is coming out.
This is complete and utter agonizing pain that I am going through. I have no other choice but to go through it. I wish that I didn't but I do. You just feel like life is over. I know its not and I have lots to live for. but that is the best way for me to describe it. It just plain hurts.
I am grateful I am here. I know I inspire others and I thank you for those who have wrote me and told me in person. But I know that anyone can do what I am doing. I am no better than anyone else. We all can make choices to better our life given our circumstances problems don't just go away we just learn how to deal with them better.
I was thinking yesterday morning as I was getting in the shower "I am still alive, now what are you going to do about it?" I just kept saying that over and over. Well what am I going to do about it? My friend at work told me I need to learn how to be my own best friend. That's what I need to do, learn who Jake is. I have been trying to find meaning in everything recently and it is driving me crazy! Why do I have to think that something that happens must mean something to my future? I just need to get some new hobbies and do things I like to do. I have been meaning to take some photos of the new temples it was something Misty and I loved to do and now we have 2 new temples to go to.
The other thing I have noticed is that I have been so busy! I love it, it is great. I know it wont last its just so crazy how many people care about me. Its like they are lining up for some "Jake time". I am so grateful for my family and friends. Just be patient until I can make some "Jake time" for you.
The good message... let's see... I always try to end on a good note. That is just the way I am. I do know my father in heaven loves me so much even to let me go through this. I know it is killing him to see me this way. But I will learn from this and will continue to do his will and try not to do my own. With so much bad in this world shouldn't we all be doing our part to make it a little better. We all know of that one person we can help or that one great deed we can doing let us all make it a goal to one day achieve those things. These words from a song came to mind.
"I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone, I noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough"
If we just let in a little more love into our lives we can change world. It sounds corny but it is true. I promise you the reader and myself and God that I will strive to be the best that I can be. I will have my ups and my downs but I can always improve and so can you, Start Today! I know that there is something that you can do within 5-10 minutes that can make someone a little happier.
Life is not worth living if we don't live the life we are given. Live your life to the best you can. I love you all, Please know that I am doing well and will continue to improve each day.
I have noticed that I am become jealous of other relationships and to those having children, I am sure this behavior is normal for my situation, but it makes me miserable. I haven't felt jealous for a very long time.Just before meeting Misty was the last. Misty and I have a awesome relationship, I never felt jealous with Misty. It was if I always had complete trust in her that she loved me first and always. I know these feelings I am having are different but I hate it. Its like I want to shout out and say "don't you know what you have!" Or "I hope he tells her she is beautiful every day" or "when will I have children?". it's just such an evil feeling. I know these people are great and they are doing their best. I just want what they have! I want what I used to have. Now I know that I will get it later but the selfish side of me is coming out.
This is complete and utter agonizing pain that I am going through. I have no other choice but to go through it. I wish that I didn't but I do. You just feel like life is over. I know its not and I have lots to live for. but that is the best way for me to describe it. It just plain hurts.
I am grateful I am here. I know I inspire others and I thank you for those who have wrote me and told me in person. But I know that anyone can do what I am doing. I am no better than anyone else. We all can make choices to better our life given our circumstances problems don't just go away we just learn how to deal with them better.
I was thinking yesterday morning as I was getting in the shower "I am still alive, now what are you going to do about it?" I just kept saying that over and over. Well what am I going to do about it? My friend at work told me I need to learn how to be my own best friend. That's what I need to do, learn who Jake is. I have been trying to find meaning in everything recently and it is driving me crazy! Why do I have to think that something that happens must mean something to my future? I just need to get some new hobbies and do things I like to do. I have been meaning to take some photos of the new temples it was something Misty and I loved to do and now we have 2 new temples to go to.
The other thing I have noticed is that I have been so busy! I love it, it is great. I know it wont last its just so crazy how many people care about me. Its like they are lining up for some "Jake time". I am so grateful for my family and friends. Just be patient until I can make some "Jake time" for you.
The good message... let's see... I always try to end on a good note. That is just the way I am. I do know my father in heaven loves me so much even to let me go through this. I know it is killing him to see me this way. But I will learn from this and will continue to do his will and try not to do my own. With so much bad in this world shouldn't we all be doing our part to make it a little better. We all know of that one person we can help or that one great deed we can doing let us all make it a goal to one day achieve those things. These words from a song came to mind.
"I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone, I noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough"
If we just let in a little more love into our lives we can change world. It sounds corny but it is true. I promise you the reader and myself and God that I will strive to be the best that I can be. I will have my ups and my downs but I can always improve and so can you, Start Today! I know that there is something that you can do within 5-10 minutes that can make someone a little happier.
Life is not worth living if we don't live the life we are given. Live your life to the best you can. I love you all, Please know that I am doing well and will continue to improve each day.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Graditude?
seems like a year, but not even 2 months have past. You think you know but you don't. Trust me you don't. Life is so short until the one you love is gone. Once you think you have things figured out, it gets ripped away. Make a plan, it will change. Why? Why? it does not seem to matter if you live a good life. Sure you have a past but that's OK. I have changed allot, but it doesn't matter. I still loose.
My emotions are a wreck, I feel completely out of control of my life. How do you just get up and start over? I told her that I wanted kids sure I was not ready at first but I still wanted them. But all I get is a glimpse. I am so lonely and friends nor family can fix it. I will always have to come back to reality.
I had everything I wanted.
Now I must wait to get them back. How much time do I have? What does Misty want me to do? I just play out all of the different scenarios in my mind and none make sense with out Misty. Why is it that I have to start over now. Why not 50 or 40 I can raise my children alone then. But now to even have them... And how do I find someone who can love Misty too.
I really feel like I need guidance from Heavenly Father, I pray every day for it. I feel like I have been left to make decisions on my own. That sucks because I am such an indecisive person. I usually let others decide on something and then decide if that will work for me. I hardly ever choose for myself.
The other day I was going to the temple with some friends and when we got in we were informed that not all of us could go in with out family names. I had the choice to stay (because the person I was with did not need a family name because they were not endowed) or I could go. I could not really make up my mind I really wanted to go, but I did not want my friends to have to wait ether. Well I walked out with my friends and the other stayed. When I left the walls of the temple I felt sick to my stomach, then when I was driving away I felt over and over that I had made the wrong choice. I have never felt the spirit this way before. I have felt the spirit leave when I entered a bad place. But this was worse it was like I had just lied to my parents.
I was reminded to never miss out on an opportunity to serve before I went, and that is exactly what happened, I missed out.
The question I have is why cant it always be like this? The answers giving to us. I will answer myself, Its not his plan.
We can't be happy if we did not choose for our self. It is my goal now to learn to know what I want and what Heavenly Father wants for me. I need to get over my fear of deciding and just decide. I know he will let me know when I make a mistake and when I make a good choice but it is up to me to get there I guess.
One thing I know is it helps to write out your thoughts, it is hard but once you do its like letting go of the fear you had and replacing it with a plan.
I love my Misty so much, she has made my life worth living every minute. I can only hope that things will get better.
My emotions are a wreck, I feel completely out of control of my life. How do you just get up and start over? I told her that I wanted kids sure I was not ready at first but I still wanted them. But all I get is a glimpse. I am so lonely and friends nor family can fix it. I will always have to come back to reality.
I had everything I wanted.
Now I must wait to get them back. How much time do I have? What does Misty want me to do? I just play out all of the different scenarios in my mind and none make sense with out Misty. Why is it that I have to start over now. Why not 50 or 40 I can raise my children alone then. But now to even have them... And how do I find someone who can love Misty too.
I really feel like I need guidance from Heavenly Father, I pray every day for it. I feel like I have been left to make decisions on my own. That sucks because I am such an indecisive person. I usually let others decide on something and then decide if that will work for me. I hardly ever choose for myself.
The other day I was going to the temple with some friends and when we got in we were informed that not all of us could go in with out family names. I had the choice to stay (because the person I was with did not need a family name because they were not endowed) or I could go. I could not really make up my mind I really wanted to go, but I did not want my friends to have to wait ether. Well I walked out with my friends and the other stayed. When I left the walls of the temple I felt sick to my stomach, then when I was driving away I felt over and over that I had made the wrong choice. I have never felt the spirit this way before. I have felt the spirit leave when I entered a bad place. But this was worse it was like I had just lied to my parents.
I was reminded to never miss out on an opportunity to serve before I went, and that is exactly what happened, I missed out.
The question I have is why cant it always be like this? The answers giving to us. I will answer myself, Its not his plan.
We can't be happy if we did not choose for our self. It is my goal now to learn to know what I want and what Heavenly Father wants for me. I need to get over my fear of deciding and just decide. I know he will let me know when I make a mistake and when I make a good choice but it is up to me to get there I guess.
One thing I know is it helps to write out your thoughts, it is hard but once you do its like letting go of the fear you had and replacing it with a plan.
I love my Misty so much, she has made my life worth living every minute. I can only hope that things will get better.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Church Shoes
Church Shoes
Such wonderful news, we’re having a boy!
Can’t wait for the day when he puts his church shoes on.
Times moving so fast, this time is a blast!
Can’t wait for the day when he puts his church shoes on.
Your parents are proud, Come down from the clouds.
Just counting the days when you put your church shoes on.
Wishing and Praying, times not delaying.
The time will soon come when you put your church shoes on.
You’re gone in a flash, no time to rehash.
Will that time come when you put your church shoes on?
You will be back I just know it, the Lord will bestow it.
Can’t wait for the day when he puts his church shoes on.
Love you Dad.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
