Thursday, July 29, 2010

Happy Birthday Misty

Well I have been a wake for a while, I have been thinking about my final project. I woke up around 4 and had to go to the bathroom, and went back to bed and all I could think about is, what my final project would look like and how I was going to put it together. I finally got up at 4:50AM and decided that I should put these thoughts onto paper and seeing that it is a requirement to journal the things I do along the way of this final project anyway, I figure it is a good Idea since I actually had something to write down.

So that is what I just did, I wrote down my thoughts about it and then decided it felt good to write and I have not blogged in awhile so I better update this too. I also know that I have thirsty fans out there that want to know how I am doing. Well the truth is, I am doing good. But still having a hard time accepting what really happened. I have made my self so busy with dating, school, work and house projects that I often do not think about my life at all. It is like the only time I do think about it is just before bed, in the car or right after I get back from a date or off of the phone with a girl.

Speaking of girls, I have dated more than I ever thought I would in my life. When I was younger and still in high school I never dated people, toward the end of my senior year I started to date my ex-girlfriend and after 3 years of... well I have no idea what it really was... But I finally met Misty and fell completely head over heels in love. Right now I have dated 15 girls and a few that were not really dates but more or less going out as friends. I have also talked to over a fifty online and through party's and such. So it has been pretty crazy to say the least. Only until recently have I started to really start to feel like I could even love someone again. It seemed before that all I could do is think about how alone I was and wish that I had a girlfriend to ease the pain of being alone, but I really could not attach myself emotionally to anyone.

I tell you I have met some of the sweetest more interesting girls that are SO fun to be around and are simply beautiful. I am starting to feel bad because I know that I have told them a lot about me, and they may even really like me and I would have no idea if they did or do. Yet I could not love them back. Which I know really hurts. I have been hurt a lot by girls recently too. Most of which are really stupid things, like; Not responding to an email, viewing my Facebook page and then refusing to talk to me, and then still remain to be my friend or just seeming like they are very interested in me and then fall of the face of the earth.

Ether way I am learning a lot about relationships and how they work. I also feel like I am starting to find myself again. But I also know that my true self is in the service of someone I love. It is just who I am. As I struggle to fight my emotions of wanting to kiss a girl or hold her hand, I know that I am going through this to prepare myself to enter a new life of something better. Now not something better than Misty, but an addition to my life.

The other thing is a friend of mine brought this up, well a couple of friends really but one more recently. The comparison between Misty and my future spouse. The fact is there is no comparison. Just because something is labeled the same like the term "wife" does not make them the same. They are two different people, and as much as we humans try to generalize or categorize things I just cannot group my spouse as second or first, its not fair to them and it is not fair to me. I will always love Misty and I will never love her less. As my love grows for another woman my love for Misty will continue to grow as well.

Misty May Andrews, such a beautiful person inside and out. She is so sacred to me. I cry now just thinking of how I was going to list all of her favorite things. It is so difficult to know that she is gone when I can feel her standing behind me as I type this. To be completely cut off from communication and know that she is just right there.

Misty loved making birthday cakes this is one she made a few years ago. She actually made two, both are for Gabe's birthday when he turned 2 years old. She has made a lot of cakes actually some of them are duplicates, but she always had a good time and took pride in what she did in everything she did.

Misty is a person who loved you from the very beginning. Even if she did not know you she still loved you. I remember sitting in a busy area, people watching as we often did and her leaning over to me and said "I love people" I said "why is that?" she replied " I don't know, I just do. See that man over there? I just love him. I don't know his name but I love him" and so on.

I had know Idea hoe much I love Misty until I try to write about her and can only make 5-6 words before I start to cry again. Silly me, no one understands how after more than a year you still feel like they just left. Or how you can still cry just saying their name. I hope and pray that my friends and family never have to experience what I have gone through. But If you do I will be there for you. I promise.


Happy Birthday Misty from you ever loving husband and family, we miss you SO MUCH!


The Hills said...

I loved reading this. I'm so glad you could feel her standing behind you. She loves and adores you so so much.

Taylor's said...

Great post - I thought about her all day yesterday!

Natalie said...

wow. ... wow. beautifully written. From missing Misty to pressing forward - what a great read.

Heathsyl said...

Jake you are a good person, and you are in my prayers!