Thursday, October 22, 2009

4 Months

So how do you judge progress after something like this? Still alive? Check. Back to work? Check. House still standing? Well yes. But how do I really know if I have made progress. I mean I am still me. I am still hurting if not more now. Pretty sure I am crazy. Anyone who has gone through this knows this is hard. If you have not, well I think its the hardest thing you could deal with.

I get this a lot. "You seem to be doing so well considering" Or "I don't know how you do it." I have to, I don't get to choose. Guess what? neither do you. As much as you want to believe it. So are you not glad its left up to someone who loves and cares for us, Rather then pure random accidents that some how just randomly work out? It always works out. Just not in our time. No matter how bad it seems it just works out. Well things are working out for me. Not the way I want them to, but I am taken care of.

I just wish I would do more with my Life. Things like this change your perspective on life. In a way you start to envision an eternal aspect of life and a genuine care for what really matters and forget the things that don't. I now have more time to do the things that matter most and I am not taking advantage of it. I know that I need to write more and keep a journal of my experiences so I can teach them later in life to those that need it. This is something that I am failing in. Spending time with family... Not really doing that ether. We are all at different levels of out own unique lives. Sometimes I feel that I have lost a few levels.

Exercises is my drug. I have not been taking anything during this time to help me feel better. Some say I should but I am not sure I need anything. I know these feelings I am having have got to be normal. I feel my exercising is really helping me feel better. I am definitely not as tired. and I am finally starting to notice a difference in my appearance.(BTW I do have before pictures that I may show one day. Once I have the killer bod that I hope for.)For now I am just happy that I am finally sticking to it.

I don't if can even imagine to tell you how much I miss Misty right now. I don't know if I even know. I tell you that is so tough. but you just handle it. Keeping busy helps. So does talking face book believe it or not. I have often debated that I spend to much time on there or should just get rid of it. But it makes me happy. I love it when Misty's Niece's and Nephews Message me. Its also been my way of writing to friends how I am feeling. and Keeping everyone posted on whats going on in my life. Sorry it is just easier to post photos there rather then on this.

One thing I noticed after watching it a bunch of times is that the video I made for Misty I put down the wrong date of when we went through the temple and were sealed. It was the 13Th not the sixth. I don't know what I was thinking but I wanted to publicly announce it because Misty would of caught it before I ever posted it. I just love her So much! SO SO SO MUCH!

I miss sending her flowers on a bad day. Then she would tell me don't waste the money on me, or you don't have to buy me flowers every time I have a bad day. I miss her Smile and her funny jokes. She always loved to be tickled except when I would go for her side or her arm pits. Then after we would have our tickle fights we would call a truce. Sure enough she would start it right back up again. Most who knew her always loved her Smile I love it too but I have always been one for eyes! Hers were the best! They spoke right to my heart every time. They told me everything, even when she wanted to hide. She is a very happy person, but I always knew when she was upset. Talking to her, and trying to have her tell me about it was the hardest part.

She always put her heart and soul into everything she did. If she cooked she did it with love. She made you a card she would start over a hundred times just so she got it right. Even when she typed you a letter she would delete it all and start over until it was perfect. Really it would drive me crazy, but now I know how much she cared for everyone. I hope you know she loves you too. She always will, she made me a better person because of it. So the next time you see me and say he is doing so good. Its because of My beautiful wife that made me this way. Misty I love you I always will. Never forgotten... always remembered in my heart forever.



Amelia said...

Jake, in scripture study the other night Todd and I were reading in 1 Nephi 17, where Nephi is commanded to build the ship to sail to the promised land. The Lord tells Nephi in v. 14 "After ye have arrived in the promised land, ye shall know that I, the Lord, am God; and that I, the Lord did deliver you from destruction; yea, that I did bring you out of the land of Jerusalem." It occurred to me that we are all on our own journey through the "wilderness" in search of the "promised land." And I think this is one of those times that the Lord is delivering you from spiritual destruction. Nephi is a great example of what perspective and closeness to the Lord can do for a person under extreme trial and tribulation. They are but a "moment in eternity"; but while going through them, they are "an eternal moment." But with the help of the Lord, they can be "endured well" (D&C 121:8) Later in 18:16 Nephi gives us council on how to endure well: "Nevertheless, I did look unto my God, and I did praise him all the day long: and I did not murmur against the Lord because of mine afflictions."

That is you, Jake. Think of it not as 4 months since you saw your sweetheart, but rather 4 months closer to when you will see her again. Love you, my friend.

Bobi said...

Ditto to what Amelia said. I'm glad that you are finding ways to accept the challenge you are facing with dignity and with faith. Kudos to you for all the exercise!

Taylor's said...

Amy sure knows how to state things so profoundly in ways I wish I could- I could not agree more.

And seriously congratulations on sticking to an exercise plan! Misty would be proud!

Amanda said...

Jake you inspire me with your posts. You help remind me to not take for granted the many blessings I have been given. You're an inspiration to so many of us!

Our Ohana said...

Jake ... you don't know me but, a friend refered me to your blog. I usually don't comment on random people's blogs but, I lost my husband 3 months ago on the 19th. And this post is exactly how I feel. I think that what you're feeling is perfectly normal. Nobody can ever be there to tell you how you should grieve. We each grieve and heal our own way and at our own pace.

And you're absolutely right in saying that when you're placed in this situation you just deal with it. You don't have any other choice. Anyone would be able to deal with it if they were placed in the same situation because they wouldn't have any other choice!

I can tell how much you love your wife by reading your posts! You are lucky to have each other for eternity! Best of luck in all you do and all you strive to accomplish!

Jami Haban