Sunday, August 16, 2009

Graditude?

seems like a year, but not even 2 months have past. You think you know but you don't. Trust me you don't. Life is so short until the one you love is gone. Once you think you have things figured out, it gets ripped away. Make a plan, it will change. Why? Why? it does not seem to matter if you live a good life. Sure you have a past but that's OK. I have changed allot, but it doesn't matter. I still loose.

My emotions are a wreck, I feel completely out of control of my life. How do you just get up and start over? I told her that I wanted kids sure I was not ready at first but I still wanted them. But all I get is a glimpse. I am so lonely and friends nor family can fix it. I will always have to come back to reality.

I had everything I wanted.

Now I must wait to get them back. How much time do I have? What does Misty want me to do? I just play out all of the different scenarios in my mind and none make sense with out Misty. Why is it that I have to start over now. Why not 50 or 40 I can raise my children alone then. But now to even have them... And how do I find someone who can love Misty too.

I really feel like I need guidance from Heavenly Father, I pray every day for it. I feel like I have been left to make decisions on my own. That sucks because I am such an indecisive person. I usually let others decide on something and then decide if that will work for me. I hardly ever choose for myself.

The other day I was going to the temple with some friends and when we got in we were informed that not all of us could go in with out family names. I had the choice to stay (because the person I was with did not need a family name because they were not endowed) or I could go. I could not really make up my mind I really wanted to go, but I did not want my friends to have to wait ether. Well I walked out with my friends and the other stayed. When I left the walls of the temple I felt sick to my stomach, then when I was driving away I felt over and over that I had made the wrong choice. I have never felt the spirit this way before. I have felt the spirit leave when I entered a bad place. But this was worse it was like I had just lied to my parents.

I was reminded to never miss out on an opportunity to serve before I went, and that is exactly what happened, I missed out.

The question I have is why cant it always be like this? The answers giving to us. I will answer myself, Its not his plan.

We can't be happy if we did not choose for our self. It is my goal now to learn to know what I want and what Heavenly Father wants for me. I need to get over my fear of deciding and just decide. I know he will let me know when I make a mistake and when I make a good choice but it is up to me to get there I guess.

One thing I know is it helps to write out your thoughts, it is hard but once you do its like letting go of the fear you had and replacing it with a plan.

I love my Misty so much, she has made my life worth living every minute. I can only hope that things will get better.

6 comments:

KimO said...

Oh Jake, I know it is hard. Although it may seem as if you are alone, you are not. Misty would want you to be happy. She knows you will always miss her. But as kind and caring as she was, she would want you to be happy. Many things happen to us in this life that we cannot explain, we do not understand and frankly, we do not like at all. Yet, somehow, the sun rises again and something glorious comes along. Do not lose heart. You will get through this. I love you sweet cousin.

Amelia said...

Jake, my heart aches for you all the time. I echo what your cousin said. It will take time, like my mom told me, not for the hole in your heart to be filled, because no one can or will ever take Misty's place, but to heal. Two months is hardly any time at all, though I know it's felt like forever in some ways. You may be indecisive, but you have a good head on your shoulders, and a strong testimony and great faith. This is an opportunity to learn to make decisions for yourself, as you said, which will make you even stronger and a better servant of the Lord. You are in tune with the Spirit, which is teaching you. Remember that the Holy Spirit is not only a teacher, but also a comforter. I'm so glad that you ARE in tune, so that you can be taught and comforted. You are in so many people's prayers, including ours. We love you!

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog ever since hearing about your dear wife's passing. This post really made me want to write something.

First off, I was a widow at 26. Lost my husband to cancer. We however had 2 small children. So, I became a single mom, had to move from the islands to the mainland and only had 2 suitcases to my name. I had no clue what I was supposed to do with my life, nor did I really want to. I however knew that I had to be strong. I knew that Heavenly Father had a reason for taking my perfect husband and life away from me.

I am not going to sugar coat anything, but 3.5 years later, it is still hard. I knew that I would have a hard time remarrying because what LDS guy would want insta family, and being married to a woman who was sealed to someone else and could not be sealed to anyone else? Also, who wants to deal with the emotional baggage that comes with someone that loves someone so much. However, I knew that I wanted to get married again. I was able to find someone a year later after he died and I had another child with him. It has been hard, certainly, but that is what happens a lot of the time. Do I still miss my first husband. Absolutely. Do I get angry that Heavenly Father took him away from me when his kids were so small that they do not have very many memories of him. Absolutely. Do I still think of him on a daily basis? Absolutely. You will never forget your sweet Misty, and any decent person would know that that is the case.

I too always will wonder when the next time I will see my husband again. I long to have an experience where I can see him, but I know that if I do, I would never be able to move on. I just have to be patient and wait for me to see him.

Take care

Amanda said...

Jake you make me want to live each day to the fullest and tell those I care about how much I love them. My heart goes out to you. . .you're in our thoughts and prayers!

The Carnavale Family said...

Jake, Right after I read this, I checked my e-mail. I get a daily quote from the Church, and when I read it, I realized that I needed to get back on your blog and share it with you... "Because of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we need not fear, for we will live forever, never to taste of death again. Because of His infinite Atonement, we can be cleansed of sin and stand pure and holy before the judgment bar. The Savior is the Author of our Salvation."
Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "The Infinite Power of Hope, Ensign," Nov. 2008, 22

B Wallace Family said...

Jake, I love what your cousin said too. And what Amelia said. It is so true. I have felt like you too. I let other people make decisions for me a lot. After my divorce I found it a time for me to be stronger. Gain more of a testimony and learn how to better feel the spirit on my own and trust myself to act on that spirit that I felt. I now know better how to recognise the spirit. I think the experience you had at the temple is a great way for you to learn. Remember how you felt when you were making the decision to not go in. Next time you feel that way remember to follow that prompting differently. You will continue to learn and grow. Misty is watching you grow and is cheering you on from the other side. She will always be your spiritual cheerleader and will be proud of you for your continued strength and growth. I am pained by your loss. I pray for you and know that HF has great things in store for you or he would not have given you such a big challenge to help you grow and progress in such a way. Hugs!~ Juli