seems like a year, but not even 2 months have past. You think you know but you don't. Trust me you don't. Life is so short until the one you love is gone. Once you think you have things figured out, it gets ripped away. Make a plan, it will change. Why? Why? it does not seem to matter if you live a good life. Sure you have a past but that's OK. I have changed allot, but it doesn't matter. I still loose.
My emotions are a wreck, I feel completely out of control of my life. How do you just get up and start over? I told her that I wanted kids sure I was not ready at first but I still wanted them. But all I get is a glimpse. I am so lonely and friends nor family can fix it. I will always have to come back to reality.
I had everything I wanted.
Now I must wait to get them back. How much time do I have? What does Misty want me to do? I just play out all of the different scenarios in my mind and none make sense with out Misty. Why is it that I have to start over now. Why not 50 or 40 I can raise my children alone then. But now to even have them... And how do I find someone who can love Misty too.
I really feel like I need guidance from Heavenly Father, I pray every day for it. I feel like I have been left to make decisions on my own. That sucks because I am such an indecisive person. I usually let others decide on something and then decide if that will work for me. I hardly ever choose for myself.
The other day I was going to the temple with some friends and when we got in we were informed that not all of us could go in with out family names. I had the choice to stay (because the person I was with did not need a family name because they were not endowed) or I could go. I could not really make up my mind I really wanted to go, but I did not want my friends to have to wait ether. Well I walked out with my friends and the other stayed. When I left the walls of the temple I felt sick to my stomach, then when I was driving away I felt over and over that I had made the wrong choice. I have never felt the spirit this way before. I have felt the spirit leave when I entered a bad place. But this was worse it was like I had just lied to my parents.
I was reminded to never miss out on an opportunity to serve before I went, and that is exactly what happened, I missed out.
The question I have is why cant it always be like this? The answers giving to us. I will answer myself, Its not his plan.
We can't be happy if we did not choose for our self. It is my goal now to learn to know what I want and what Heavenly Father wants for me. I need to get over my fear of deciding and just decide. I know he will let me know when I make a mistake and when I make a good choice but it is up to me to get there I guess.
One thing I know is it helps to write out your thoughts, it is hard but once you do its like letting go of the fear you had and replacing it with a plan.
I love my Misty so much, she has made my life worth living every minute. I can only hope that things will get better.