Okay, it is that time again for another blog entry... Sometimes I treat this as a journal rather than a blog. In fact, I do not even know what a blog is really used for. So yesterday was 11 months, I know and it kills me to know that. It is so weird to me that every time I talked with someone, all I wanted him or her to say was “It’s been 11 months today, I was just thinking about how you are doing.” Just so I could tell them how bad the day felt like.
It is so difficult adjusting to the single life. Actually, that is an understatement. It is very difficult. I find that I can go out, date, and have a good time. Nevertheless, I just keep thinking am I really trying to find a spouse? Sorry getting ahead of myself let us say girlfriend. 11 months! I hate, well not hate, but dislike the idea. How do you put on a game face for everyone and then try to go out and have a good time? The answer is; you just do it. It is tough but suck it up Jake. “You’re being too hard on yourself,” they say. Am I really? God made me, a mighty fine human being I might add. If I know that I can do better is that being too hard on me? Let us think about the question... Am I being hard on myself? On the other hand, is life just being hard on me? Just because life is hard on me does not mean I just give up.
Now I can make mistakes I know this. I am making plenty of them right now. That is how we rebuild. That is how we gain strength! Not to beat ourselves down but to conquer the journey! Endure to the end... Such a powerful statement when you think about it. To the very end, some people think that they cannot make it that far. Some think that they already have. Some think they are putting in overtime. I know we all can be at certain levels of this in our lives. However, there are truly so many great things we have on earth. We are given the choice every day to move forward or back, the choice between right and wrong, the choice to submit to his will or our own.
His will is tough to swallow sometimes, but He knows better. I know when I submit to his will that I am made stronger, refined, and purified through the atonement of our savior. Sure, it is not easy but I know I can do it. I know that I am better than I am currently putting out there. There are not too many things in this life that are easy, except when we are choosing what is right in our life. Then no matter what the trial is, it can be overcome.
Now I said that this is a difficult thing, it is tough because I feel like I have already grown up; I know what married life is like. Some of the people I meet do not know that yet, even if they have already been married. It is as if they did not figure it out the first time, which may be why they are single again. I am not saying that every "single" person is acting this way. I have just noticed that there are some people that are at some of these events are acting as if they are still learning a lot. Which puts me in an odd place; I am a very social person in groups. Last night I was the guy that you wanted to meet. I was able to introduce many people to each other and get them talking. Deep down last night, all I wanted was to be with my wife and have her share in the experience. Deep down the pain was there but I had to grit my teeth and still have fun. I did have fun; I met a ton of great people. I know that this going to have to be the way I am going to meet someone that may be my wife one day. If you are not going and putting your name out there, no one will see it right? Remember though love comes when you are not looking for it, it just cannot find you if it has nowhere to look.
Thank you to everyone for being my friend. This is the toughest journey so far in my life. However, it is a good one!
