Sunday, September 6, 2009

My wife is beautiful.

Just watched the video again got through with out crying, I have seen it over 30 times. This time it just made me so happy that I got the pleasure to know her so well. I can say I knew Misty better than anyone else. That to me is a huge blessing! That is why I feel so alone. To know someone so well that you think the same things, know all of their secrets. To make every moment with that person mean something. To hold someone so close to feel their breath on the back of your neck. To wipe away their tears when they have had a bad day. To lay beside them from hours and ponder life's meaning. I could go on for days... To have it all removed is absolutely gut wrenching. The Saturday that this happened to Misty, I just felt so sick it is really unexplainable unless you have gone through it yourself.

I have noticed that I am become jealous of other relationships and to those having children, I am sure this behavior is normal for my situation, but it makes me miserable. I haven't felt jealous for a very long time.Just before meeting Misty was the last. Misty and I have a awesome relationship, I never felt jealous with Misty. It was if I always had complete trust in her that she loved me first and always. I know these feelings I am having are different but I hate it. Its like I want to shout out and say "don't you know what you have!" Or "I hope he tells her she is beautiful every day" or "when will I have children?". it's just such an evil feeling. I know these people are great and they are doing their best. I just want what they have! I want what I used to have. Now I know that I will get it later but the selfish side of me is coming out.

This is complete and utter agonizing pain that I am going through. I have no other choice but to go through it. I wish that I didn't but I do. You just feel like life is over. I know its not and I have lots to live for. but that is the best way for me to describe it. It just plain hurts.

I am grateful I am here. I know I inspire others and I thank you for those who have wrote me and told me in person. But I know that anyone can do what I am doing. I am no better than anyone else. We all can make choices to better our life given our circumstances problems don't just go away we just learn how to deal with them better.

I was thinking yesterday morning as I was getting in the shower "I am still alive, now what are you going to do about it?" I just kept saying that over and over. Well what am I going to do about it? My friend at work told me I need to learn how to be my own best friend. That's what I need to do, learn who Jake is. I have been trying to find meaning in everything recently and it is driving me crazy! Why do I have to think that something that happens must mean something to my future? I just need to get some new hobbies and do things I like to do. I have been meaning to take some photos of the new temples it was something Misty and I loved to do and now we have 2 new temples to go to.

The other thing I have noticed is that I have been so busy! I love it, it is great. I know it wont last its just so crazy how many people care about me. Its like they are lining up for some "Jake time". I am so grateful for my family and friends. Just be patient until I can make some "Jake time" for you.

The good message... let's see... I always try to end on a good note. That is just the way I am. I do know my father in heaven loves me so much even to let me go through this. I know it is killing him to see me this way. But I will learn from this and will continue to do his will and try not to do my own. With so much bad in this world shouldn't we all be doing our part to make it a little better. We all know of that one person we can help or that one great deed we can doing let us all make it a goal to one day achieve those things. These words from a song came to mind.

"I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone, I noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough"

If we just let in a little more love into our lives we can change world. It sounds corny but it is true. I promise you the reader and myself and God that I will strive to be the best that I can be. I will have my ups and my downs but I can always improve and so can you, Start Today! I know that there is something that you can do within 5-10 minutes that can make someone a little happier.

Life is not worth living if we don't live the life we are given. Live your life to the best you can. I love you all, Please know that I am doing well and will continue to improve each day.


Bobi said...

Your wife IS beautiful! And you are beautiful for keeping her alive in your heart. It is easy to take what we each have for granted. Thank you for the reminder to always be grateful, for we don't know how long we'll have what we have!

Taylor's said...

Oh Jake my heart breaks for you - and seriously I am so glad you are having the feelings you have - it shows me you ARE human!

You always teach me every time I read an entry - thanks for the reminder to cherish the things I have TODAY!

Allison said...

I know how it feels to have crazy feelings in your heart when your mind knows better, it's strange and hard but it gets better and you just keep on going and doing what you're doing. I think you and Misty are great people and the world is better for it. I appreciate the tenderness and love you guys shared because it's great reminder at how preciouse love, relationships, and life is. I know it has touched many too.

Amelia said...

Jake, I really needed to read this today. When Todd and I were trying to have kids for so long, I always thought that when I was a mom, I'd never lose my temper, I'd always be able to be patient with my children, I'd never feel like I needed some time to myself, and I'd certainly never question why I wanted to have children, (really, I probably thought I'd be a better mom than everyone else) because I had tried and wanted it for so long, I'd appreciate each moment, even the hard ones. Well, fast forward several years. I was having a day of frustration today, with Oliver trying my patience, being so naughty and destructive, and generally pushing all my buttons (on top of my chronic sleep deprivation thanks to insomnia) and I was in exactly that place where I always swore to my self I'd never be. All BUT wondering why in the world I signed up for this... Then I read your post, and it brought it all crashing home. I immediately stopped, and gave Oli a hug and kiss, and told him that I love him so so much, and I'm thankful that I get to be his mommy. I don't know if it made a difference to him, but it did an instant 360 on my attitude. Thank you Jake!

B Wallace Family said...

Between Jake and Amy and my past week and recent decision to better myself this was a great read. Thank you both. I needed to hear what you all had to say. I am so thankful that I have been given the privilege of knowing such wonderful people.