Hello again, Hello.

What does it take to be a man?

That is something us "men" have to ask ourselves from time to time. Many of us don't and often overlook our responsibilities and forget our purpose in life.

I love conference time, it always gives me a chance to reflect on the person who I should be. I really have a long way to go from where I know I should be. I currently have a picture of Christ that sits on my self where my personal computer is. I have it there as a reminder of things I should remember and the covenants I have made with him when I am using my computer. One thing I have noticed about the picture is that the continuance on the face of the savior seems to change depending on the way my life is going at the time. There are times when I look at his face and it looks as if he is disappointed in my actions, and other times like tonight that he looks like my advocate with the father and that together we can do anything. I want everyone to know that reads this blog and knows who I am to know that I have a love for our savior that is unique and has and a special bond I feel that will never end. I KNOW that he is real and that he died for our sins.

So the man's, Man... The man himself is Christ no doubt about it. But time and time again we are told to be like him and most of us don't always follow that council. In fact most of us men do not even try at all. I know I fall short quite a bit. But that's the thing we are given new chances time again to prove ourselves to become better. I want to rededicate myself once again to becoming more like Christ. And I have to start now.

I need to start by becoming a better husband and father, I have found that I am able to lose my patience so much faster that I normally would. Once I felt that I could handle kids, wife and a dog. I find myself loosing my temper with my dog more and more and getting extremely stressed around children. It kind of worries me that I no longer have the patience that I once had. I need to look to the ultimate example and overcome this shortcoming of mine.

So now move on to even more personal stuff... Where am I on the path of remarriage... My honest answer is I have no idea. I want nothing more than to be happy married, but I cannot produce a relationship that can have total happiness. I am so grateful to know friends that can understand that. I know I am very capable of being able to but just not at this time. So why date? I ask myself that a lot, I hope that by dating I am able to learn something I need to know for my future relationship if that happens. I have learned so much from the people I have met that there is no way I could of on my own. So I trudge along hoping that one day it will just click.

I say that I will write in this more often but I find that more and more I just forget or get too busy and it has been months since I have written. I try to make it inspiring to my readers so that they can leave knowing something that they did not know before or thought of something a new way. I hope that one day the right person will stumble upon my writings and it will change their life for the better. If it was not so late I would write more but it is 1:00AM and I need to get to bed. I love you all thanks for reading.

Happy Birthday Misty

Well I have been a wake for a while, I have been thinking about my final project. I woke up around 4 and had to go to the bathroom, and went back to bed and all I could think about is, what my final project would look like and how I was going to put it together. I finally got up at 4:50AM and decided that I should put these thoughts onto paper and seeing that it is a requirement to journal the things I do along the way of this final project anyway, I figure it is a good Idea since I actually had something to write down.

So that is what I just did, I wrote down my thoughts about it and then decided it felt good to write and I have not blogged in awhile so I better update this too. I also know that I have thirsty fans out there that want to know how I am doing. Well the truth is, I am doing good. But still having a hard time accepting what really happened. I have made my self so busy with dating, school, work and house projects that I often do not think about my life at all. It is like the only time I do think about it is just before bed, in the car or right after I get back from a date or off of the phone with a girl.

Speaking of girls, I have dated more than I ever thought I would in my life. When I was younger and still in high school I never dated people, toward the end of my senior year I started to date my ex-girlfriend and after 3 years of... well I have no idea what it really was... But I finally met Misty and fell completely head over heels in love. Right now I have dated 15 girls and a few that were not really dates but more or less going out as friends. I have also talked to over a fifty online and through party's and such. So it has been pretty crazy to say the least. Only until recently have I started to really start to feel like I could even love someone again. It seemed before that all I could do is think about how alone I was and wish that I had a girlfriend to ease the pain of being alone, but I really could not attach myself emotionally to anyone.

I tell you I have met some of the sweetest more interesting girls that are SO fun to be around and are simply beautiful. I am starting to feel bad because I know that I have told them a lot about me, and they may even really like me and I would have no idea if they did or do. Yet I could not love them back. Which I know really hurts. I have been hurt a lot by girls recently too. Most of which are really stupid things, like; Not responding to an email, viewing my Facebook page and then refusing to talk to me, and then still remain to be my friend or just seeming like they are very interested in me and then fall of the face of the earth.

Ether way I am learning a lot about relationships and how they work. I also feel like I am starting to find myself again. But I also know that my true self is in the service of someone I love. It is just who I am. As I struggle to fight my emotions of wanting to kiss a girl or hold her hand, I know that I am going through this to prepare myself to enter a new life of something better. Now not something better than Misty, but an addition to my life.

The other thing is a friend of mine brought this up, well a couple of friends really but one more recently. The comparison between Misty and my future spouse. The fact is there is no comparison. Just because something is labeled the same like the term "wife" does not make them the same. They are two different people, and as much as we humans try to generalize or categorize things I just cannot group my spouse as second or first, its not fair to them and it is not fair to me. I will always love Misty and I will never love her less. As my love grows for another woman my love for Misty will continue to grow as well.

Misty May Andrews, such a beautiful person inside and out. She is so sacred to me. I cry now just thinking of how I was going to list all of her favorite things. It is so difficult to know that she is gone when I can feel her standing behind me as I type this. To be completely cut off from communication and know that she is just right there.




Misty loved making birthday cakes this is one she made a few years ago. She actually made two, both are for Gabe's birthday when he turned 2 years old. She has made a lot of cakes actually some of them are duplicates, but she always had a good time and took pride in what she did in everything she did.

Misty is a person who loved you from the very beginning. Even if she did not know you she still loved you. I remember sitting in a busy area, people watching as we often did and her leaning over to me and said "I love people" I said "why is that?" she replied " I don't know, I just do. See that man over there? I just love him. I don't know his name but I love him" and so on.

I had know Idea hoe much I love Misty until I try to write about her and can only make 5-6 words before I start to cry again. Silly me, no one understands how after more than a year you still feel like they just left. Or how you can still cry just saying their name. I hope and pray that my friends and family never have to experience what I have gone through. But If you do I will be there for you. I promise.

Jake


Happy Birthday Misty from you ever loving husband and family, we miss you SO MUCH!

Photography Class

Life as we know it.

Okay, it is that time again for another blog entry... Sometimes I treat this as a journal rather than a blog. In fact, I do not even know what a blog is really used for. So yesterday was 11 months, I know and it kills me to know that. It is so weird to me that every time I talked with someone, all I wanted him or her to say was “It’s been 11 months today, I was just thinking about how you are doing.” Just so I could tell them how bad the day felt like.

It is so difficult adjusting to the single life. Actually, that is an understatement. It is very difficult. I find that I can go out, date, and have a good time. Nevertheless, I just keep thinking am I really trying to find a spouse? Sorry getting ahead of myself let us say girlfriend. 11 months! I hate, well not hate, but dislike the idea. How do you put on a game face for everyone and then try to go out and have a good time? The answer is; you just do it. It is tough but suck it up Jake. “You’re being too hard on yourself,” they say. Am I really? God made me, a mighty fine human being I might add. If I know that I can do better is that being too hard on me? Let us think about the question... Am I being hard on myself? On the other hand, is life just being hard on me? Just because life is hard on me does not mean I just give up.

Now I can make mistakes I know this. I am making plenty of them right now. That is how we rebuild. That is how we gain strength! Not to beat ourselves down but to conquer the journey! Endure to the end... Such a powerful statement when you think about it. To the very end, some people think that they cannot make it that far. Some think that they already have. Some think they are putting in overtime. I know we all can be at certain levels of this in our lives. However, there are truly so many great things we have on earth. We are given the choice every day to move forward or back, the choice between right and wrong, the choice to submit to his will or our own.
His will is tough to swallow sometimes, but He knows better. I know when I submit to his will that I am made stronger, refined, and purified through the atonement of our savior. Sure, it is not easy but I know I can do it. I know that I am better than I am currently putting out there. There are not too many things in this life that are easy, except when we are choosing what is right in our life. Then no matter what the trial is, it can be overcome.

Now I said that this is a difficult thing, it is tough because I feel like I have already grown up; I know what married life is like. Some of the people I meet do not know that yet, even if they have already been married. It is as if they did not figure it out the first time, which may be why they are single again. I am not saying that every "single" person is acting this way. I have just noticed that there are some people that are at some of these events are acting as if they are still learning a lot. Which puts me in an odd place; I am a very social person in groups. Last night I was the guy that you wanted to meet. I was able to introduce many people to each other and get them talking. Deep down last night, all I wanted was to be with my wife and have her share in the experience. Deep down the pain was there but I had to grit my teeth and still have fun. I did have fun; I met a ton of great people. I know that this going to have to be the way I am going to meet someone that may be my wife one day. If you are not going and putting your name out there, no one will see it right? Remember though love comes when you are not looking for it, it just cannot find you if it has nowhere to look.

Thank you to everyone for being my friend. This is the toughest journey so far in my life. However, it is a good one!

So I wrote a paper for English Class I thought I would share it.

Now try to bear with me. I found this very difficult and very frustrating to write. So you have a background on why I wrote this... I was told when writing this paper to choose a subject that I was passionate about and something that was arguable. Now I am not sure I made the best case for my argument but I tried I guess. So here it is... read and enjoy I hope.

PS I got extra credit if I included the word zombie somewhere in the paper...

Jacob Andrews

He is real

Some people think that there is no God because if there was a God he would not let them suffer through life. Some think that there is no God because there is no way to see him so he must not exist. Some do not want to believe because they do not want to be involved with organized religion or do not want to follow God's Commandments. Others on this earth have never even heard of God so they believe in other things. God cannot be physically proven until after death. However, the existence of God is real because there is not enough evidence to prove that he does not exist, and the natural order of the universe and life on earth point to a deliberate creator. In addition, all truth can be proven through the Holy Ghost.

Many Scientists have made a claim that God cannot exist because the earth is much older than what is stated in the bible. Also many say that through evolution all life came to be. Professor Richard Dawkins said in an interview with Time magazine "If God wanted to create life and create humans, it would be slightly odd that he should choose the extraordinarily roundabout way of waiting for 10 billion years before life got started and then waiting for another 4 billion years until you got human beings capable of worshipping and sinning and all the other things religious people are interested in." God cannot be physically proven until after death. There is no physical evidence that God exists anywhere. Atheist believers say that it is impossible to prove the existence of something that never existed. They also say if God is real, why will he not show Himself to the world now?

One of many reasons people do not believe in His existence is: One cannot believe which cannot be seen. This can be argued because there are many things on the earth which cannot be seen but yet are indeed real. For instance if a person were to look at an apple, one could not see that there are cells, molecules and atoms. Yet we all know that they are there. We know this because we have scientists that have researched and have discovered for themselves that they exist. Some could actually go and do the work for themselves and see and believe. Science states that there is no evidence that God exists or ever existed. So should we believe that if something cannot be proven with scientific evidence then it must not exist?

This was proven wrong with the discovery of black holes. Scientists once believed that there was no such thing as a black hole. Since that time scientist now believe in the existence of black holes because of modern advances in science. So just because there is no scientific evidence found yet, does not mean that God cannot exist. I think that science should continue its efforts to explore the world and space, I believe that one day the more scientific evidence they find, the greater the chance of them finding evidence of a divine creator.

There are people in this world who spend an enormous amount of time trying to prove that God does not exist by science. "The ultimate point is that science does not deal with belief; it deals with things that you can prove. And since we can't prove or disprove the existence of God, the question of whether or not a person believes in God doesn't (or at the very least shouldn't) have anything to do with scientific reasoning." (Rothstein) Thus we see that God may never be proven by science.

Another example that shows that God cannot be physically proven until after death is... Some people feel that if they see a sign from heaven they will believe. If anyone were to believe this is true, they would be sorely mistaken. The world we live in today is full of illusion and deception. In fact there are people who make a living at doing it. Imagine a world where “seeing is believing”. If that world truly existed, we would have men that could fly with the power of their mind. We would have alien creatures blowing up The White House. The streets would be littered with mindless zombies. Yet we know that the news and media often twist the truth and make illusions to have things appear to be something they are not. Even still if a sign was given to us to believe (which many have already) most would still not believe it anyhow. We can read an account of the followers of Moses in the Old Testament. As Moses lifted a serpent of brass upon a pole and told them to look and be healed although many did not. (Num. 21: 9) They did not look because they felt that it would not heal them. So if a sign or manifestation was given to all of us, there still would be non believers. Thus there must be something else that will prove God's existence.

God is real is because the natural order to the universe and life on earth point to a deliberate creator. There are many arguments about the natural order to the universe. Science explains this by the laws of gravity; everything that has mass is continually falling toward another object that has more mass. The speed of an object can allow for it to travel faster than the gravitational pull toward the object with more mass creating what is called an orbit. This pattern is common in space and everything in it appears to have one. When we observe space we can see that there is a seemingly infinite number and complexity of our universe. In our solar system we have planets that move in harmony around our sun. Earth is at the perfect distance from our sun. If it was too far away we would all freeze, if it were any closer we would burn. There are many other factor in the solar system that if they were not just right, we would perish.

Take into account just the human body, Dr. Francis Collins said to PBS “Where did that come from? I reject the idea that that is an evolutionary consequence, because that moral law sometimes tells us that the right thing to do is very self-destructive. If I'm walking down the riverbank, and a man is drowning, even if I don't know how to swim very well, I feel this urge that the right thing to do is to try to save that person. Evolution would tell me exactly the opposite: preserve your DNA. Who cares about the guy who's drowning? He's one of the weaker ones, let him go. It's your DNA that needs to survive. And yet that's not what's written within me.” The more we study the human body, the more we find out we know even less than we thought we did. Almost every new discover creates two more questions. The human brain is remarkable and DNA is so complex. Now just because something is complex and is hard to understand does not mean that it must be God. You would be fooling yourself. And is often an Atheist believer’s opinion on believers of God. They assume that someone who believes is God is naive and is not willing to open there eyes to scientific explanation. I am completely open for science to explain things which can be understood with our mortal minds. However, I believe in purpose of creation and not just random happenstance.

Imagine the possibility of random matter floating around forming into a solar system, then forming into earth, which then formed into life, which formed into human life and then became your best friend who just got done telling you a funny story. How would matter traveling at undetermined speeds away from the center of the universe just happen to come up with something like that? I think that it would have the same probability as a printing press exploding and somehow forming Webster's Dictionary. I have one question then. Who would turn the pages to allow the ink on each page?

Believers of God must rely on the testimonies of others who have seen him, talked with him and have been in his presence. These people wrote down what they saw, heard and felt. These people were also able to tell their stories which were also written. The one downfall to these accounts is that they can be proven inaccurate due to the multiple hands and many translations of the written stories that had to happen for us to read them today. This is why there is a third element to God. The spirit of God is unlike anything anyone could imagine. The Spirit of God is also known as: The Holy Ghost, the Holy Ghost is the proof that God exists. By the power of the Holy Ghost one can feel the presence of God. How can this be better than seeing? It is better because it can give a personal witness to the truth. The Holy Ghost has the ability to speak to a person's mind, has he or she feel certain emotions and can help to discern truth from that which is false.

In my personal life I was once someone who could be considered an atheist. I had many times in my life where my family would say that there is a God, yet I did not believe. I had spent many years of my life saying that Jesus Christ may have been a good person, but he was no God. I also found myself believing that there might be a God but he does not care about me. It was not until the death of my aunt did I even consider an afterlife.

While I was twenty years old my Father passed away from colon cancer. Then after a year and a half my Mother died from pneumonia. What seemed as the worst time in my life, I feel now that my belief was starting to blossom. Although I still did not really believe in a God I had hope that I would see them again. Unfortunately death was to become a regular pattern in my life. My cousin who was my best friend growing up lost his life to diabetes at the young age of twenty seven. At this time my Wife and I decide that we should plan for the unexpected and get funeral plans for ourselves. Still a nonbeliever I had hope for something more.

A few years later I had found religion and came to know that God is real and did care for me as much as I had thought. I found that the Holy Ghost was able to testify that in my heart through feeling and intense spiritual understanding. This is hard to explain to someone who has not felt this in their life. What I know is that I once did not believe, when I allowed myself the chance to believe understanding from the Holy Ghost explained in my mind that it was real.

The reason I know that this was the Holy Ghost is, I lived a life where I did not allow him to speak with me. Once I allowed him in my life I was allowed truth to enter my mind as I was taught the things concerning God.

Soon I was in a stage in my life where I felt I was on top of the world. I had a great job, a nice home and a wife who loved me. My wife was pregnant with our first child and we were going to have a baby boy. Suddenly my life would again change forever and on June 22, 2009. My wife and son passed away due to a large blood clot trapped in her lungs. Now one might say that God would not allow such tragedy to happen to someone so young, or someone who believes in him. Despite the pain that I have felt during this time in my life I feel that my life is more in tune the spirit than ever. I have been given reassurance in an afterlife and a divine message that God is in control.

Now, one does not have to go through what I have to feel or to know that he is real. We cannot prove that he exists until death. And we know that there is not enough evidence to prove that he does not exist. Yet there are many facets of life that show us that He created us. And finally through the Holy Ghost it can be proven to each of us individually. We know that; “seeing is not believing”, we know this because of the ability we all have to deceive. Deception is everywhere we turn and it causes us to doubt almost everything. We can rely on the Holy Ghost to help us see the truth in everything. How can one say that He is not real if they are not willing to ask?

Works Cited
Collins, Francis. Nation Public Radio. 29 March 2007. April 2010 .
Dawkins, Richard. Time Magazine. 5 November 2006. April 2010 .
Foundation, WGBH Educational. The Question of God. 2004. April 2010 .
"Numbers." The Old Testament. n.d. 21:9.
Rothstein, Dave. Ask an Astronomer at Cornell University. September 2001. 4 April 2001 .

I have to try to do this more often...

It is so strange that we can turn to a piece of paper or in this case a text box and write all about ourselves but when we talk to someone in person we do not always do that? I have been trying to do that more and more. When I open up to people it helps me feel a little better about myself. So here I am blogspot and followers. Yeah I have been feeling down and some days just feeling great. my problem is I have no idea what I want. I feel directionless, never in my life have I felt this way.

I am doing what I am supposed to for the most part. I just feel like I should be heading somewhere in life but it just is not there. I feel I have ambition but no target. Not many people know this but I have been dating. There it is out in the open. Now I am not looking for a relationship, just friendship. That is hard for some people, but it is also easy for some people to understand as well. The women I have met are amazing! they are beautiful, fun, kind, understanding, spiritual and did I mention stunning? They really are! Everything anyone would want in a girl! I can't figure out though that I am I having a hard time being attracted to any of them. I feel a physical attraction just no emotional. But I feel they could be really good friends to me.

Here is the thing, I feel like there are times when ether girls will talk to me or I will talk to them, and they are very pretty and they have lots of things going for them great body, great face. And when i get to know their personality it gets even better. I just feel like a hollow shell who can bare my soul to them and tell them everything and anything. I just feel like I can't produce love. So I feel like I should turn to friends. I have such good friends some of them best. I don't know where to start. I mean I have been told time and time again, yeah just give me a call we can hang out. You know how hard it is to call someone when you are in a crappy mood? And then say "Hey whats up remember that time when you said 'lets hang out!' well I want to collect on that." It is not easy, no reason to call seems good enough. to call.

I have been having new friends enter my life as well as old ones. I just had a friend from my past reenter my life. It was my old missionary. She called me up about a month ago and we talked for a little bit. It was so great to see her again to bring back some of those great times Misty and I had with her. And since then we have become Facebook friends and I have been able to reconnect with a few more of my Missionaries.

I have also had a few new ones... This is where I don't know what to do. Like I said I have been dating from a website. But i think that I am going to stop. Because the people I think I want to talk to will not talk to me, or once they do I don't feel like talking to them after that. I want to be in love so badly but I just can't produce it. Not yet anyway. I will still try but my account expired the 4th and I will not be renewing. I will just talk to those that I am currently talking to and stick with that until I am ready. This last weekend I met a few new people from a widows/widowers conference and it took me a awhile to be my self but I really had a good time. I hope to talk with the people I met there and become friends. I just think that way there won't be the dating feel but we can go out and do things that couples do and not feel the pressure of dating.

I know there are people who read my blog and have girls that they want to set me up with. Well that has been one of the reasons I have not told people that I am dating. I don't want to be set up right now. And this is not a cry to have people invite me over ether. I just need to figure things out right now on my own and with heavenly fathers help. I have faith that I can overcome any challenge with Him and His Son. I just want to let people be aware of what I am doing in life and how I feel. In the meantime you can keep all of you Hot friends in the memory banks until I start asking. I just don't want to be a charity case ether and have you say to them you have to date this guy because no one will if you don't.

So I think I am going to hang out more with the widows and try to manage a single life. I have such a hard time being alone. but I have to overcome it someday so that I can be strong for me next wife. I love Misty she is always in my prayers! She is having the best time with our son right now! I miss her so much. Who knew...

I love you all thanks again for your prayers and support.

Dinner for 3

Well I got home after picking up the Dog from the groomers today. Called my friends Todd, Amy and Oliver. Wished Oliver a happy birthday. He is so cute. I then got off the phone, and started to think. Well thinking turned into complete sobbing. I have not cried really good in a long time. Yesterday was 8 months since Misty passed and I miss her so much!

Well as I was crying I thought about some spagetti sauce that she made and froze for us to eat later. I thought why not make a special dinner for us as a family. Me Misty and Lucas. Try not to think of me insane because I am not. This was actually therapeutic to do. I was supposed to get so much done tonight but I just could not stop crying. I hate to say it but it felt good to let those feelings out. I prayed over dinner as if Misty and Lucas were right there, I asked for them to be blessed in their work on the other side of the veil and it felt so good to think of them with me.

And of course in true Misty fashion she had to take pictures of every cute thing. So that's what I did in remembrance of her. Even though it was frozen for 9 months the sauce was GREAT! Misty is a awesome cook. I did not get my english paper done but I will have to work on it now so I get an "A" like my last one!

Here are the pictures of the night. for some reason it put them in the wrong order and it won't change it when I drag them. I can edit the HTML but I am lazy and don't have the time. I took the first picture with my phone and then decided to try to get artsy... did not work too well.

You would not believe how ard it is to get this clear with out a tripod in low lighting.





Misty wrote this note to me about 2 weeks before she died.

Never thought that I would see the day...

You hate to see it but I guess that it is one of those milestones so to speak. I have to say that just over 7 months ago I was a different person. I am doing my best to welcome the change and leave room in my life to become a better man. I miss Misty so much, it is hard to describe it. It is so tough to want to cry so bad and all you feel like doing is laughing. The mental struggles one goes through during tragedy is so interesting. I have come a long way, but I have a long way to go. all i can say to everyone is Stay strong and endure to the end.

Thanks again to all who pray and think about me. I love each and everyone of you.

So its been a while.

I know I have not been the best at updating this lately... I want everyone to know I am Okay. I have had a real hard time through the holidays. Every time I would get on here to say something I would just get angry for no reason and not feel like it. I am sure a lot of people probably stopped looking here because it has been 2 months since I have written. So whats been going on you ask?

Well not really too much, Living I guess. I should say surviving. Some things that have happened;

Purchased Misty's Headstone.
Went on a trip to Denver.
Survived Thanksgiving.
Purchased a new TV.
Survived Christmas and New years.
Registered for school.

pretty much in that order, among with other things.

I have such good friends and family that help me through it all, and continue to help.

How do you explain how much you hurt inside and filled with complete sadness. With out making people start thinking your depressed or forcing psychiatric help.

Some have suggested counseling for me. I have thought about it, but sometimes I just fill like I don't need it. So I don't.

Instead I have joined a group of Widows and Widowers on Facebook.

I have set some new goals for myself this year as well, and I am going to try to start meeting new people. That might occupied some of my alone time. I do have great friends and even some single friends that I can hang out with. I just think meeting new people will help me take my mind off of things.



I have on my computer a little photo app that rotates through photos that are of Misty. This just happened to be one that was up during the time that I was writing this, so i thought I would share. Oh how I miss her... its so hard to explain the way I feel sometimes. Lost is a good word.

Waiting for the day to be found again...

When you love someone.

I was thinking a lot about how much I miss Misty recently. I was thinking of the mushy song "when you love someone" from the Robinhood movie from the 90's. And I really do love her so much I can barely stand it. I tend to talk a lot... I talk a lot about me and a lot about things I really don't know much about. One thing I love to talk about though is Misty!

What words are there that can really express the feeling and love I have for that great woman! Misty took care of everyone around her. And did not really take time for her self. She is truly a selfless person. She made me happy in every way.

I was thinking about our first real date. It was at Sundance and we went to a play Fiddler on the roof. I think we got there about an hour before dark. I think Misty and I had known each other for about 9-10 days. when we got there we looked around the shops there and some of the resturants. We walked to the chair lift and took a ride around the top. They would not let us get off at the top but it was nice to sit next to her and talk. Later we went down and had dinner from this outdoor BBQ they where doing just before the show. I remember we had steak and mine was overcooked and I decided to make a BBQ sauce out of ketchup, pepper, salt and I think some of the Juice from her steak. SHe looked at me and thought your crazy... then I had her try it, then she knew I was crazy becuase I told her that it tasted good.

When took a tractor that pulled a tralier with hay bails on it to the top of the hill where the show and the seating was. When it started we cuddled up together becuase it started to get cold. Durning the show we met an older couple that we talked with durring intermission, I think they ask how long we were married for! I think they could sense the love we had for each other. When it was done we walked down with this couple and talked with them. They were very nice and I got to know Misty a lot better because they asked questions about us that I did not think of asking.

We took Misty's car becuase Misty's aunt did not like that my car was so small and would probably surivive a crash in her's I guess and it was probably more reliable then my Escort. When I was driving home we were heading through Provo when I turned right and Misty said I ran a red light! I was like no I did not you can turn right on a red. She said no it was a Red right turn arrow! (I never saw one before) I just remember her giggling so much and how much fun we had that night! her luagh was music to my ears.

Never in my life have I felt so appericatied then I have with being with Misty. It was like a light being turned on in my life. Life meant something, problems did not matter and things seams just so good. Misty and I have a kind of love that just won't quit. there were times in our lives that we could just be sitting next to eachother and not say anything and be totally content. We never felt like we had to impress each other we just seemed to have it all by just being together.

Misty just had these ways of just making me so happy her Smile just lit up the room. she had some of the nicest teeth and not too bad of a toung I should say ether... Oh and her eyes My favorite part about her. they made me melt, love, care, enjoy, smile, lust, and crave. They spoke stories of unimaginable paridise. She also had what was know as the "bedroom eyes" Well those I will miss for sure. If you never had a hug from Misty you better get one in the after life. Becuase they were awesome! Such a sweet embrace from a sweet person. No matter how bad the day there was nothing quite like holding my Misty. Misty is a great kisser too I must say, sometimes I would just gently kiss her bottom lip and it would take me to another world. I can't tell you how happy I am that I have Misty in my life. She is my world! she means so much to me and to be with out her just tears me up inside.

I feel I have been left with a lot of confusion in my life. And it has not been easy trying to sort things out with out her. I just miss her so much. thanks for taking the time to read about some of the ways I love her.

Jake

4 Months

So how do you judge progress after something like this? Still alive? Check. Back to work? Check. House still standing? Well yes. But how do I really know if I have made progress. I mean I am still me. I am still hurting if not more now. Pretty sure I am crazy. Anyone who has gone through this knows this is hard. If you have not, well I think its the hardest thing you could deal with.

I get this a lot. "You seem to be doing so well considering" Or "I don't know how you do it." I have to, I don't get to choose. Guess what? neither do you. As much as you want to believe it. So are you not glad its left up to someone who loves and cares for us, Rather then pure random accidents that some how just randomly work out? It always works out. Just not in our time. No matter how bad it seems it just works out. Well things are working out for me. Not the way I want them to, but I am taken care of.

I just wish I would do more with my Life. Things like this change your perspective on life. In a way you start to envision an eternal aspect of life and a genuine care for what really matters and forget the things that don't. I now have more time to do the things that matter most and I am not taking advantage of it. I know that I need to write more and keep a journal of my experiences so I can teach them later in life to those that need it. This is something that I am failing in. Spending time with family... Not really doing that ether. We are all at different levels of out own unique lives. Sometimes I feel that I have lost a few levels.

Exercises is my drug. I have not been taking anything during this time to help me feel better. Some say I should but I am not sure I need anything. I know these feelings I am having have got to be normal. I feel my exercising is really helping me feel better. I am definitely not as tired. and I am finally starting to notice a difference in my appearance.(BTW I do have before pictures that I may show one day. Once I have the killer bod that I hope for.)For now I am just happy that I am finally sticking to it.

I don't if can even imagine to tell you how much I miss Misty right now. I don't know if I even know. I tell you that is so tough. but you just handle it. Keeping busy helps. So does talking face book believe it or not. I have often debated that I spend to much time on there or should just get rid of it. But it makes me happy. I love it when Misty's Niece's and Nephews Message me. Its also been my way of writing to friends how I am feeling. and Keeping everyone posted on whats going on in my life. Sorry it is just easier to post photos there rather then on this.

One thing I noticed after watching it a bunch of times is that the video I made for Misty I put down the wrong date of when we went through the temple and were sealed. It was the 13Th not the sixth. I don't know what I was thinking but I wanted to publicly announce it because Misty would of caught it before I ever posted it. I just love her So much! SO SO SO MUCH!

I miss sending her flowers on a bad day. Then she would tell me don't waste the money on me, or you don't have to buy me flowers every time I have a bad day. I miss her Smile and her funny jokes. She always loved to be tickled except when I would go for her side or her arm pits. Then after we would have our tickle fights we would call a truce. Sure enough she would start it right back up again. Most who knew her always loved her Smile I love it too but I have always been one for eyes! Hers were the best! They spoke right to my heart every time. They told me everything, even when she wanted to hide. She is a very happy person, but I always knew when she was upset. Talking to her, and trying to have her tell me about it was the hardest part.

She always put her heart and soul into everything she did. If she cooked she did it with love. She made you a card she would start over a hundred times just so she got it right. Even when she typed you a letter she would delete it all and start over until it was perfect. Really it would drive me crazy, but now I know how much she cared for everyone. I hope you know she loves you too. She always will, she made me a better person because of it. So the next time you see me and say he is doing so good. Its because of My beautiful wife that made me this way. Misty I love you I always will. Never forgotten... always remembered in my heart forever.

Jake

Why I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints

I have been thinking a lot and I have got the impression from some of my friend's and some of my family think that the reason I joined the church is just because of Misty. I am not saying that she did not help my efforts but I want everyone to know that I made the choice on my own and with what knowledge I acquired I still would of joined whether it was with Misty or not.

How it all started.

Misty had received a few phone calls from here Visiting Teacher (these are members of the church that are assigned family's to check up on them, find out any needs they may have) Well one day she decided to have them come over and visit with us. They would visit every month and Misty would sit and talk. After a while they invited us to church and we would attend some of the time.

Then we started to attend regularly and go to all of the meetings (there are 3 in a day) then this started into a series of events and things that made me make a few decisions that helped me progress. Now this is very condensed so far but I will expound on it in a little bit.

Why I feel it is important for people to know this.

I have felt for a while that people don't think I make my own decisions. I want you to know that this is because I am a very easy going person and if there is something that bothers me enough I will let you know. I am also very patient with most things and usually let things play out before making such decisions.

I also want you to know that this is very personal to me and it is not open for debate but rather a way for me to express how I feel and why I do the things I do. I appreciate all who read this and please know I care very deeply for those who take the time to help me in this hard time I am in.

Back to the Story...

One day while attending one of the meetings I was in a class that was discussing home and visiting teaching (home teaching is for men of the church to visit families, Visiting teaching is where the women visit with other women) In this lesson I was caught up with so much anxiety about the importance of this lesson. During the entire class I felt I needed to express my opinion on the matter. There were lots of thoughts going through my head... "Why should I say something they won’t care." and "I am not a member of their church they won’t listen" and many similar thoughts. Yet I still felt like I should tell them how much it means to me that they take time out of their lives to visit with my wife and me every month.

Just before the lesson ended I nearly leaped out of my seat and asked "May I say something?" I began to tell them my testimony of home teaching and the difference it made in our lives to have them visit with us. That same day we met some really great friends there and because a wonderful friendship.

This led us to asking a lot of questions about the church and cleared up a lot of misunderstood things that people say about our church.

Soon after Gordon B Hinkley challenged the members of the church to read the book of Mormon at the same time we had started to have the missionaries visit with us. Along with our friends they challenged Misty and I to start reading. It was hard at first because the only book about God I even sort of believed to be true was the bible.

As I read I thought of any way I could to prove it wrong in my mind and discount everything that was said. People would I how the reading was going and we would tell them "just fine". But we did not really read that much.

This is why my wife is so much better than me. She would pick up on things and tell me them and explain them in ways I had never thought of. She was progressing so much faster than I. And I think this is where people got confused about me joining the church just because of Misty. Yes she did believe it before me, but I still needed to make my own choice to believe myself. And the person that helped me the most is my wife. She expressed so much patience for me and so much love and understanding in my own personal doubts. Without her I would not have made it through the onslaught of satan’s influence you feel with doing what the lord wants.

As we continued to read I began to pray to know the truth of the book and the church. All I ever wanted was a voice to tell me whether or not it was true. As I would pray nightly with my wife. I would ask if it was true. Every single time I asked I would receive this answer "Why are you even asking you already know it’s true." Oh I heard a voice yet it was so small and so familiar to me that I thought it was actually my own. I literally thought I had been brain-washed.

The thing is they never used any equipment and I was asking all the questions they would just give me pure and simple answers. After a while I thought to myself. Could this really be true? Could these people of actually lived here on this Continent and wrote these things down? Would God actually care about someone other than Jerusalem? I said "I guess it is possible." it was like a switch gone off in my brain and everything began to make sense. And I actually believed it was true. All I needed to do was allow the possibility and God made it fact.

There was one other time I heard this voice during my conversion. I did not feel I was ready for baptism at the time but I pondered it a lot. Finally while I was showering one day I began to think and said to myself "if I were to be baptized when it would be?" Instantly I heard "January 4th" I knew at that point that it was not my own voice or thought. It was the Holy Ghost and he had been telling me the entire time that I already know it.

Now I already told you that I don't want a debate or trying to prove me wrong I am just telling you my story and why I joined these are some of my beliefs and you do not have to read them if you don't want to. Just know that I am not trying to preach but only express what I believe in.

I believe that when Christ was on the earth that he established one church with a specific teaching that did not accept the belief of man. But only the true teaching of the word of God. This made me think that there is only one true church of God or they are all wrong. I don't think that they are all right just as long as they believe in Jesus everything is OK. Now I am NOT saying that the church's today do not teach truth. I know that all church's that teach that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world are in fact teaching truth. I think there is just one that teaches the most truth.

When Joseph Smith was younger he went into the woods to pray thinking that with all of the different teachings there must be one that was right. He thought that God could not be the author of so much confusion and figured that one must be his church. He received an answer that was very much different than he thought. He was told that none were true and that it must be restored at a later date. Click here

This brought a lot of questions to my mind. "Why would Heavenly father and Jesus Christ appear to a 14 year old?" I thought about that a lot and figured he can do whatever he wants I guess. Stranger things have happened. child born of a virgin, Flooding of the world, 900 year old men, loins that do not attack a man that have been trained to kill. Then I thought more and found that he probably appeared to him because he asked. And he really wanted to know. He also needed to be prepared to do what God asked of him.

Do you really think that a 14 year old boy would make up a lie and defend until he was murdered from it in the mid 30's? And not only did it affect him but his entire family and everyone he would associate with. People were murdered because of this. I can’t think of anyone who would go through so much and not say hey I made it all up if it were not in fact true and really did happen.

I also believe that baptism must be done in order to enter heaven. And so do many other faiths otherwise why do it at all? Could you not just take a bath? I cannot believe that my nephew’s cousins and other family will not go to heaven because they did not get baptized. If we all must be baptized then there must be something for those that passed without it. See Paul's teachings in the New Testament to the Corinthians.

This is why I have a belief in temples that do this for those who have passed. It is always our choice to accept this if it be our will. If you think of it this way. If you don't need to be baptized then we just got wet for no reason. If you do well, you’re welcome.

I also believe that the God head are 3 separate beings. There are too many references in the scriptures that mention them as separate. Those that say that they are one I believe are not a literal One but One in purpose, one in likeness. Or in other words on the same side.

I also think that faith is an action and you must do good things and repent in order to go to heaven. James chapter 2 verse 20 says: But wilt thou know, O vain man, that faith without works is dead? It is through our faith that we are saved but we must do our part to inherit the kingdom of God.

Here is a Scripture out of the book of Mormon that helped me to know this to be true.

"And now as I said concerning faith—faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."

"27 But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.
28 Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.
29 Now behold, would not this increase your faith? I say unto you, Yea; nevertheless it hath not grown up to a perfect knowledge.
30 But behold, as the seed swelleth, and sprouteth, and beginneth to grow, then you must needs say that the seed is good; for behold it swelleth, and sprouteth, and beginneth to grow. And now, behold, will not this strengthen your faith? Yea, it will strengthen your faith: for ye will say I know that this is a good seed; for behold it sprouteth and beginneth to grow.
31 And now, behold, are ye sure that this is a good seed? I say unto you, Yea; for every seed bringeth forth unto its own likeness. "

This is what happened to me. I let a little faith get planted into my heart and the Lord did the rest.

I pray that no one who read this is offended it is not my idea to offend but to show why I believe the things I do. I love my family I love my friends I thanks them both everyday for helping me get to this point in my life.

Thanks for reading
Jake

My wife is beautiful.

Just watched the video again got through with out crying, I have seen it over 30 times. This time it just made me so happy that I got the pleasure to know her so well. I can say I knew Misty better than anyone else. That to me is a huge blessing! That is why I feel so alone. To know someone so well that you think the same things, know all of their secrets. To make every moment with that person mean something. To hold someone so close to feel their breath on the back of your neck. To wipe away their tears when they have had a bad day. To lay beside them from hours and ponder life's meaning. I could go on for days... To have it all removed is absolutely gut wrenching. The Saturday that this happened to Misty, I just felt so sick it is really unexplainable unless you have gone through it yourself.

I have noticed that I am become jealous of other relationships and to those having children, I am sure this behavior is normal for my situation, but it makes me miserable. I haven't felt jealous for a very long time.Just before meeting Misty was the last. Misty and I have a awesome relationship, I never felt jealous with Misty. It was if I always had complete trust in her that she loved me first and always. I know these feelings I am having are different but I hate it. Its like I want to shout out and say "don't you know what you have!" Or "I hope he tells her she is beautiful every day" or "when will I have children?". it's just such an evil feeling. I know these people are great and they are doing their best. I just want what they have! I want what I used to have. Now I know that I will get it later but the selfish side of me is coming out.

This is complete and utter agonizing pain that I am going through. I have no other choice but to go through it. I wish that I didn't but I do. You just feel like life is over. I know its not and I have lots to live for. but that is the best way for me to describe it. It just plain hurts.

I am grateful I am here. I know I inspire others and I thank you for those who have wrote me and told me in person. But I know that anyone can do what I am doing. I am no better than anyone else. We all can make choices to better our life given our circumstances problems don't just go away we just learn how to deal with them better.

I was thinking yesterday morning as I was getting in the shower "I am still alive, now what are you going to do about it?" I just kept saying that over and over. Well what am I going to do about it? My friend at work told me I need to learn how to be my own best friend. That's what I need to do, learn who Jake is. I have been trying to find meaning in everything recently and it is driving me crazy! Why do I have to think that something that happens must mean something to my future? I just need to get some new hobbies and do things I like to do. I have been meaning to take some photos of the new temples it was something Misty and I loved to do and now we have 2 new temples to go to.

The other thing I have noticed is that I have been so busy! I love it, it is great. I know it wont last its just so crazy how many people care about me. Its like they are lining up for some "Jake time". I am so grateful for my family and friends. Just be patient until I can make some "Jake time" for you.

The good message... let's see... I always try to end on a good note. That is just the way I am. I do know my father in heaven loves me so much even to let me go through this. I know it is killing him to see me this way. But I will learn from this and will continue to do his will and try not to do my own. With so much bad in this world shouldn't we all be doing our part to make it a little better. We all know of that one person we can help or that one great deed we can doing let us all make it a goal to one day achieve those things. These words from a song came to mind.

"I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone, I noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough"

If we just let in a little more love into our lives we can change world. It sounds corny but it is true. I promise you the reader and myself and God that I will strive to be the best that I can be. I will have my ups and my downs but I can always improve and so can you, Start Today! I know that there is something that you can do within 5-10 minutes that can make someone a little happier.

Life is not worth living if we don't live the life we are given. Live your life to the best you can. I love you all, Please know that I am doing well and will continue to improve each day.

For Misty...

Hit the HD button to make the text more clear

Graditude?

seems like a year, but not even 2 months have past. You think you know but you don't. Trust me you don't. Life is so short until the one you love is gone. Once you think you have things figured out, it gets ripped away. Make a plan, it will change. Why? Why? it does not seem to matter if you live a good life. Sure you have a past but that's OK. I have changed allot, but it doesn't matter. I still loose.

My emotions are a wreck, I feel completely out of control of my life. How do you just get up and start over? I told her that I wanted kids sure I was not ready at first but I still wanted them. But all I get is a glimpse. I am so lonely and friends nor family can fix it. I will always have to come back to reality.

I had everything I wanted.

Now I must wait to get them back. How much time do I have? What does Misty want me to do? I just play out all of the different scenarios in my mind and none make sense with out Misty. Why is it that I have to start over now. Why not 50 or 40 I can raise my children alone then. But now to even have them... And how do I find someone who can love Misty too.

I really feel like I need guidance from Heavenly Father, I pray every day for it. I feel like I have been left to make decisions on my own. That sucks because I am such an indecisive person. I usually let others decide on something and then decide if that will work for me. I hardly ever choose for myself.

The other day I was going to the temple with some friends and when we got in we were informed that not all of us could go in with out family names. I had the choice to stay (because the person I was with did not need a family name because they were not endowed) or I could go. I could not really make up my mind I really wanted to go, but I did not want my friends to have to wait ether. Well I walked out with my friends and the other stayed. When I left the walls of the temple I felt sick to my stomach, then when I was driving away I felt over and over that I had made the wrong choice. I have never felt the spirit this way before. I have felt the spirit leave when I entered a bad place. But this was worse it was like I had just lied to my parents.

I was reminded to never miss out on an opportunity to serve before I went, and that is exactly what happened, I missed out.

The question I have is why cant it always be like this? The answers giving to us. I will answer myself, Its not his plan.

We can't be happy if we did not choose for our self. It is my goal now to learn to know what I want and what Heavenly Father wants for me. I need to get over my fear of deciding and just decide. I know he will let me know when I make a mistake and when I make a good choice but it is up to me to get there I guess.

One thing I know is it helps to write out your thoughts, it is hard but once you do its like letting go of the fear you had and replacing it with a plan.

I love my Misty so much, she has made my life worth living every minute. I can only hope that things will get better.

Church Shoes

Church Shoes

Such wonderful news, we’re having a boy!
Can’t wait for the day when he puts his church shoes on.

Times moving so fast, this time is a blast!
Can’t wait for the day when he puts his church shoes on.

Your parents are proud, Come down from the clouds.
Just counting the days when you put your church shoes on.

Wishing and Praying, times not delaying.
The time will soon come when you put your church shoes on.

You’re gone in a flash, no time to rehash.
Will that time come when you put your church shoes on?

You will be back I just know it, the Lord will bestow it.
Can’t wait for the day when he puts his church shoes on.

Love you Dad.

Home made Mac & Cheese

When I was at church today I was so hungry all I could think about is what I should make for lunch. When I got home I found my new neighbors moving in. I asked them if they needed help and they said "sure!" So I went to change helped them move in and when I got home I was going to attempt the impossible and cook something.

Well here I am heating up some milk until it boiled then while is was boiling I decided to throw in all of the shredded cheese I just cut. Well it started to get really lumpy but it smelled good! As I was cooking I remembered My mother always putting flour in her cheese sauces. So I went ahead and added a couple spoon fulls of flour to the boiling cheese and milk. After looking at the consistency of the sauce... I briefly thought that there is no way I am going to be able to eat this. I mean it was full of lumps the oil from the cheese was separated. It looked as if I had just threw Pac-man into a pan and threw in his white ghosty friends too.

So after dumping it out and thinking it would be cereal on the menu. I thought I would google a recipe for cheese sauce. I found this video. http://video.about.com/cheese/Cheddar-Cheese-Sauce.htm

So I decided to try again here is the result

Misty's funeral

http://www.funeralrecording.com/index.cfm?pageid=225&Name=Misty Andrews

If you wish to listen to the service.

Winning the Battle!

Have you ever lost everything you ever hoped and dreamed for in one day? It’s ok if you haven't but it happens every day. Well I had one of those days where I kind of lost everything. But it is ok right? Exactly! Everyone should know this one thing and believe this: All things will be restored that were lost. Well I have a story to tell you. It is a story told by an ant (insect no misspelling) now how is that possible you ask? It’s not like it was talking to me or anything, it was purely taught through example. Some of you know I have been battling ants in my basement as of late and they have been some quite humorous stories in my eyes. But this story is to be taken seriously.

One day I was while I was a child I was watching an ant crawl along the sidewalk weaving back and forth going to whatever destination it desired. When I decided to put something in its way, Of course it paused for a minute and then went around it and soon was heading toward where it was going again. So I decided to make it harder for the ant and put a few more things in its way and around it too. It took a little longer but still managed to get free and on to where it was going. I thought I would put a leaf on it. It lifted it up and off of it as well of many other things I put on top of it and continued on its way.

When I got home tonight I was reminded of this, and I thought I have to be like this little ant! Something so tiny and seems to be so insignificant can teach me so much! I know that whatever comes my way I just have to go around, pick it up and move it and move forward. There is no way I am going to forget Misty because she is not gone! For all I know she’s the one helping me type this. I just know there is so much good out there in this world to just give up. Yes I am lonely; yes I hurt and still have to cry sometimes. But I am only being made stronger. I hope people see my point that I am making. I have not been getting the rest I need because I have not been going to bed until late and waking very early.

I have been a person who learns from others experiences and I hope that I might be able to teach someone else through mine. But most of all, allow you that chance to learn from the spirit. He is the ultimate teacher. I am just a servant.

To my Friends and Family

Today I was riding my bike home from work, checked the mail then headed home. When I arrived home I started to clean up zoey's landmines in the back. During this peaceful time oddly enough I couldn't help but think of all those who have been helping me get through this. Shortly after I went inside my doorbell rang and a friend decided to stop by and see how I was doing and if there was anything she could do to help out. After she left, another friend called to invite me over to dinner.

This has been a constant theme since Misty was in the hospital. I have never been one to accept help and I am sorry for that. I am so grateful for such great people in my life. The very thought of the love that I feel from each of you pierces my core deep into my heart. (If you can’t tell I am beginning to cry but I can’t help it.) I never knew how much people love us. I mean from everything to cleaning my house to doing my laundry taking me out to eat bringing me food stopping by to say "hi" having me over for dinner. Sending cards and writing letters. It has never stopped and I am so grateful. With all of this bad in my life I have never felt so loved in my life! I hope you all know that! It is because of each and every one of you that I am still here and able to stand on my own 2 feet.

I never knew how much death can affect someone until this. I hope that no one would ever have to experience this. But we all must go through it. I just want you to know that when you do I WILL be there for you just like you have been for me. Thank you all so much. My sincerest thank you will never been enough to repay what you have done for me.